A Seed of Hope Life Coaching

Adversity - The Purpose...

2012-01-12T05:00:00.000-08:00

Adversity changes us - is what shapes the knew us, the better us if we allow it to. We as humans are always trying to stay comfortable, we are always trying to avoid adversity. I am one who has tried this more than anyone to stay happy and comfortable in life - I know. I don't like to be uncomfortable, or sad or unsure of what is going to happen next....I don't think I'm alone in this.

Someone once said:
"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone" (Neale Donald Walsch)

The next step in facing adversity is to realize these things:

Difficulties, trials, adversity is normal, expected and purposeful. 1 Peter 5:10
God will transform your life through adversity
Adversity is temporary.

If you meet people who have alot of character, have rich relationships, an amazing amount of wisdom and maturity and have great influence and are inspiring to others - I can pretty much guarantee they have been through adversity and come out the other side changed for the better.

In our world instead of going through adversity and letting it change us we give up - We give up on our vision, we give up on our marriage, we give up on our close relationships and sometimes we give us on life. Many times we are at the turning point, the point where it will get better but we give up because it is too uncomfortable.

We must overcome difficult, painful things in every season in our lives to become the people God purposes us to be - to confirm, strengthen and establish us.

We need to look at adversity differently -instead of looking at it as "this is unfair" try looking at is that "This is normal" ", "This is expected", "This is creating a purpose in me", "This is temporary"
"What does God what to do with this in my life"

Instead of God changing our outward circumstances, He is changing you (if you allow Him) - You and I through adversity are becoming more patient, more loving, more kind, this gives us hope and realizing that God is working in our situation

Adversity is the unwanted and uninvited "friend" in the hands of an all knowing God - not your enemy ( as we usually view it) It is there to reveal to us our self - dependency and pride, give us deeper intimacy with Jesus and redirect our path to insure our greatest good and His glory - we learn to trust Gods character and His Word in all this and through all things.

1 Peter 5:10
New Living Translation (NLT)
In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.

Next Post - How to face discouragement

Some excepts from this blog was taken from Chip Ingram - "Living on the Edge"

Dealing with Adversity

2012-01-08T17:44:00.000-08:00

As we begin the new year I was thinking about what would be a good topic for this blog. My intention of this blog is to give anyone who reads it "tools" to have better relationships, to learn behavior and thinking to make every part of your being - spirit, your soul and your body as healthy as possible.

As a counselor/life coach I see probably more problems than most people but I do believe we are in a time in our world that life is more difficult for most people than it has been in the past, at least the past that most of us can remember.

So I thought I would focus a few blogs of how to deal with "Adversity"

What is "adversity?" Well, Websters says, adversity is:
, trouble, difficulty, hardship, distress, disaster, suffering, affliction, sorrow, misery, tribulation, woe, pain, trauma; mishap, misadventure, accident, upset, reverse, setback, crisis, catastrophe, tragedy, calamity, trial, cross, burden, blow; hard times, trials and tribulations;

Some of these things at one time or another will affect our lives. Very few people, if any, get through this life without some trials and difficulties and most people have quite a few.

One of the biggest problems that happen when we are faced with adversity, or trials, or troubles, especially if it goes on for an extended amount of time is we can begin to give up or shut down. Just going through the motions on the outside but inwardly quit.

One of the reasons we as Christians struggle with adversity is we have some wrong thinking about it.

Most of the time when we are struggling through adversity we avoid it, deny it, blame someone else, instead of asking God to use our situation in whatever way He feels is needed, instead of crying out to Him. We want to be in control of the situation and actually think we are although we absolutely are not.

One of the first steps of dealing with adversity is to admit you need God to help you and you need to cry out to Him when you feel like giving up. You need to admit your need. You need to face it.

Psalm 34:17-19 17
The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.
He rescues them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
The righteous person faces many troubles,
but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.

What is the number one thing you are dealing with? Are you ignoring it - staying so busy you don't have to deal with it? Are you blaming someone else for it?

Next post we will talk about once we admit we have a problem, we admit we can't control it, we admit we feel like giving up or we "feel" like we can not take one more thing - what is the next step?

Happy New Year!!

2012-01-01T19:35:00.000-08:00

Well, I have a couple hours to say Happy New Year. It's 10pm an we got back a few hours ago from a great New Years Party at my niece Bev's house. Lot's of great food, wonderful people and good conversation. A great way to start the year.

I was going to write about setting New Years goals or resolutions but was reading a great article in the Parade section of the paper and thought I would share an idea for the New Year.

It was from a book called, "The Simple Act of Gratitude" What this author wrote about was his experience of making a New Years Goal of handwriting a note of thanks at least one time a day for the year. That would be 365 handwritten notes of thanks.

Here are the steps it takes to get started:
1. Try to not use email or any other means of technology. Handwritten notes feels special. You can get plain note cards at the dollar store or get some with your initial on it.

2. Be specific. You could start by sending notes to those who gave you presents for Christmas. "Dear...., Thank you for the (Starbucks gift card) it is one of my favorite places for coffee.

3. Next start writing to close friends and family about how much you appreciate them, again being specific. Then write to people who have helped you in critical moments in life, or to a server at a restaurant or coffee shop that you go to frequently. You can send them or hand them to the people your thanking (at a shop or store)

4. Keep it simple. Just three or four sentences.

I'm going to start this tomorrow, my goal will be to write a note everyday but I will be flexible and at least try to at least send or give a note to someone at least 3 times a week. I will keep you posted!

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-24T18:50:00.000-08:00

As I have a few moments this Christmas Eve I wanted to wish all my 1 or 2 readers :) a very Merry Christmas. As I reflect on the events of this past month I am filled with gratitude for all the many blessings in my life. We have had many special and fun family and friend events already and I am ever mindful that each day is a gift and every relationship is blessing in my life.

I haven't been totally successful all month to keep my focus on the important things in life and what this season is truly all about but I am doing better than in some years past.

I just want to take this post to encourage anyone reading to wake up tomorrow with a heart full of thanksgiving for all God has done or is doing in your life. Before the craziness of the day begin take a few moments to reflect on what Christmas is really about - Jesus coming to earth as a baby to live a human life so He could understand all that we feel and go through and then eventually die on the cross for our sins.

Here is the scripture that you can reflect on and read to begin your Christmas day.

Luke 2

The Birth of Jesus

1-5About that time Caesar Augustus ordered a census to be taken throughout the Empire. This was the first census when Quirinius was governor of Syria. Everyone had to travel to his own ancestral hometown to be accounted for. So Joseph went from the Galilean town of Nazareth up to Bethlehem in Judah, David's town, for the census. As a descendant of David, he had to go there. He went with Mary, his wife, who was pregnant.
6-7While they were there, the time came for her to give birth. She gave birth to a son, her firstborn. She wrapped him in a blanket and laid him in a manger, because there was no room in the hostel.
8-12There were sheepherders camping in the neighborhood. They had set night watches over their sheep. Suddenly, God's angel stood among them and God's glory blazed around them. They were terrified. The angel said, "Don't be afraid. I'm here to announce a great and joyful event that is meant for everybody, worldwide: A Savior has just been born in David's town, a Savior who is Messiah and Master. This is what you're to look for: a baby wrapped in a blanket and lying in a manger."
13-14At once the angel was joined by a huge angelic choir singing God's praises:

Glory to God in the heavenly heights,
Peace to all men and women on earth who please him.

15-18As the angel choir withdrew into heaven, the sheepherders talked it over. "Let's get over to Bethlehem as fast as we can and see for ourselves what God has revealed to us." They left, running, and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying in the manger. Seeing was believing. They told everyone they met what the angels had said about this child. All who heard the sheepherders were impressed.

19-20Mary kept all these things to herself, holding them dear, deep within herself. The sheepherders returned and let loose, glorifying and praising God for everything they had heard and seen. It turned out exactly the way they'd been told!

Have a Blessed Christmas!!
Kathy

The TRUTH

2011-12-11T15:31:00.001-08:00

Since it has been a couple weeks since my last post - we have had a lot of time to think about those lies! :) Once we reveal the lies we have come to accept and believe about our self,others or God we need to correct them.

Basically, if you are saying and believing these lies - they are affecting your daily life. They become part of who you are and that is not who God says you are. I personally want to be in agreement with who God says I am so how do we do that?

The best way I have found is to write the lies in one column. (you need 3 columns) in the second column you write what the truth is according to God's Word and the last column you write the scriptures that back up that truth. It will look something like the table below.

Once you have completed your "Truths" you will say them to yourself everyday until they are solidly in your heart!! When I lie comes into your mind you will immediately reverse it to a truth.

Do this and I will guarantee you will see change in your life. As you notice lies coming into your mind write them down and write a truth. Until we are aware of what we are thinking or saying we really don't realize how many lies we feed ourselves everyday.

Every week pick a scripture that is the one you struggle with the most and apply it every day to your life.

Lies	Truth (based on God's Word)	Scripture
I’ve missed God’s best for me	My best is YET TO COME	1 Corinthians 2:9
I can never be/do good enough	I AM GOOD enough through Christ	Philippians 3:12–14
I will always be passive	I am MORE than a CONQUEROR	Romans 8:37
I will always be stuck and never move forward	have a HOPE and a FUTURE	Jeremiah 29:11
I am not accepted for who I am	I am “ACCEPTED” through Christ Jesus	Romans 8:38 - 39,
My value is based of other peoples perceptions	I am the RIGHTEOUSNESS of God in Christ Jesus

Where Do the Lies Come From

2011-11-07T04:30:00.000-08:00

The last post we talked about the fact that as we are stopped by being successful, happy and content in life because of the "lies that we believe" about ourselves and God. Today I want to look at where these lies come from.

The most obvious place these lies come from are from life experiences. This is what it looks like:

We have an experience in childhood mostly - in our family, in school, in the neighborhood and that experience early in our life creates a belief. A belief about ourselves, sometimes others and sometimes God.

If that experience was a bad or negative experience then the belief will be bad or negative or in other words "a lie" How do we know that a belief that you have about yourself or God is a lie? If it doesn't line up with what God says in His Word it is a lie.

So then we go along in life believing this "lie" and then we begin to "expect" our belief to be fulfilled so we behave according to the lie we believe - then the end result is another experience that reinforces the "lie" that we believe.

Let me give you an example:

You have an experience of being abandoned early in life - your mom or dad leave - because of divorce or they just never were there or maybe even they emotionally aren't there - so your belief system starts to tell you "people I love will always leave me" then you become a teenager and meet your first love and as usually happens it doesn't work - and they leave - the belief is now reinforced - now the "lie" that " everyone I love will always leave me" or "I will always be alone" or "no one accepts me for who I am" and you now "expect" people to hurt you and leave you.......

So then to protect yourself you begin to build walls around yourself emotionally - making sure that no one get close enough to hurt you. Those walls could look like anger or indifference or lack of intimacy. In other words you have now adopted a behavior that pushes people away or sabotage's relationships so you experience once again those closest to you leaving or being distant or disconnected but now it's not because of them but because of your behavior.

So now your false belief is reinforced over and over until it is so entrenched inside your spirit and soul that it is part of you.

Theway to stop the Belief – Expectation cycle is to intervene between theExperience and the Belief stages of the cycle. We must choose God’s truth asour new belief. When we replace the old lie with God’s truth, then the otherparts of the cycle will change.

Think of an example of a "Lie" that has operated in your life.

What experience got this belief established?

What expectations and behaviorscome out of this belief?

Are you ready to change this belief?

Next post we will look at how to recognize the lies..... so we can change them

And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32

The Lies We Believe

2011-10-26T18:57:00.000-07:00

In my few posts in the last couple months we have been talking about some of the things in our lives that will hinder us from becoming healthy, whole and free. Free to be who God created us to be, to fulfill the purposes He has for us and live out the potential that is with in us. We talked about codependency, destructive family patterns and discontentment.

I had an opportunity to speak at a Ladies Retreat at Faith Outreach Center. This is a very special church and group of ladies to me. This is the church I grew up in spiritually and learned so much of what God has called me to do.

As I prayed about what God would have me share with the ladies I truly felt it was the four areas I have found to keep us from moving forward in our lives. These are areas that I work on often with my clients and when they really work on them and do the spiritual and practical work that needs to be done, there is change.

Two of the areas I have already talked about in this blog.

The other two are:

     3. Any kind of sexual brokenness(past abuse, trauma or misuse)

And the one I'm going to talk about for the next couple posts:

    4. The LIES we believe

The lies we believe about ourselves and God.   Most of these lies come from other 3 above experiences:

Next post we will begin to look at the lies that we have embraced about ourselves based on our experiences, circumstances and our culture.

Being Content in Every Season of Life

2011-10-19T18:59:00.000-07:00

There probably isn't anyone reading my blog anymore after a month of no posts but I am back and will try to be more consistent. It has been a whirlwind of a month but it's all been good things so I can't complain....just couldn't keep up with a blog on top of everything else.

During the last month that I went missing.....I was on vacation....North Carolina for 2 weeks. We usually go with our daughter and her family but they couldn't go this year so it was more quiet then past times and they were all greatly missed but it was a great time to catch up with my reading and spending some quality time with God and of course some quality time with my hubby. :)

When I returned home a couple weeks ago, I was playing catch up for the next two weeks. Lots of client appointments, a small group that I was leading, and a Ladies Retreat that I was speaking at.

The small group I lead is a group of sweet young moms and wives, we meet once a month and this month I spoke to them about contentment in their season of life. They are in a difficult season with small children, lots of financial pressure, still working through the challenges of marriage but in reality every season has it's challenges and one of the greatest skills we can learn to enjoy every season is "Contentment."

Contentment is a learned skill: Tobe chosen, adopted, mastered and applied. It doesn’t mean there aren’t disappointments in life, it doesn’t mean weare in denial, It just means that we can resolve to be content and it willchange our view of everything in life.

Philippians 4:11-13 (NLT)

¹¹ Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to becontent with whatever I have. ¹² I know how to live on almostnothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in everysituation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. ¹³For I can do everything through Christ,^[a] who gives me strength

The Greek word for contentment in this verse means "inner sufficiency" satisfaction found through the depth of ones own life with God independent ofsurroundings

A woman who is content is a womanwho has chosen to be satisfied with what she has, who she is, and with whereshe lives. Women of substance,satisfaction who has chosen contentment over displeasure.

How do you do this? Easier said then done right? Yes, like most things in this life contentment is a learned, practiced behavior - the more you choose to be content and enjoy where you are for the moment the more you will find it just becoming part of who you are. In 2Corinthians 9:8 (NLT) it says,

And God will generously provide all you need. Then you willalways have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others.

When you can get the mindset that what you have on hand is enoughthat it is adequate and deemed by God as sufficient then you are ready to fullyparticipate in the tasks set before you at this season of life.

So today: Ask yourself..."Am I embracing the season of life I am in?

Exploring Your Family Map

2011-09-20T17:48:00.000-07:00

Creating a family tree (genogram) will help you to get a better picture of your family patterns. As you observe relational patterns in your family, try to see if there are any you need to work on. Sometimes, it's hard to see ourselves as others do so if you are really serious about working on yourself - ask someone that you trust and won't get mad at if they tell you the truth.

Some patterns to watch for are closeness of family members, communication patterns, behavioral or emotional problems, job problems, addictions, anger and even occupations of family members.

You want to go back at least three generations. What patterns of serious problems do you see? How did your family handle stress, what did their marriages look like, how did parents relate to children, what were some of the health problems in your family line. Was there alot of emotional disconnection in your family line. Did family member feel like they belonged?

Again, this is not to become depressed or angry at your family if there are some destructive patterns. This is an opportunity to look at the reality of what may have been passed down to you and what areas you may need to work on. The more you work on you the better chance your children have of not struggling with these same patterns or at least to a lesser degree. The goal is for each generation to continue to get healthier in every way.

So what do you do with all this information -
1. Look at what family patterns are continuing through you -
2. Admit this is an area you need to work on.
3. Ask God to help you break this family pattern and replace it with something positive
4. Get an accountability partner to work with you on this. Come up with a plan.

If you do all the above and still struggle to get past certain family patterns you may need some inner healing in that area of your life. I recommend Anothenlife Ministries to anyone that needs in depth help in this area of their lives.

The process of genuine change does not occur by magic. Breaking a cycle of family patterns happens not by waving a wand or by reading a verse but with the combination of the Holy Spirit, The Word, other believers in our lives and our own determination and will.

Trust in Him at all time, O people; Pour out your heart before Him: God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62:8

Breaking Destructive Generational Patterns

2011-09-11T16:13:00.000-07:00

Last post we discussed the well know term "Dysfunctional" family. We know what that is, may even know we were in one or are in one, but we don't often know how to change those patterns in our own lives.

Most families have some sort of harmful patterns in them. We aren't perfect people, and we usually pass these behaviors from generation to generation with out even realizing it. We can't really blame anyone because these patterns usually started so far back in our family that when we really examine our family we will see our parents probably had parents that had alot of destructive behavior because their parents had them and on and on. And most people from the earlier generations didn't talk about such things, they didn't have all the resources we have to heal and change and become free of these patterns. So I never blame anyone for the patterns that came to me through my family line because as I have looked at it I totally understand and only feel gratitude for the good things that did come through and the positive changes they did make.

So how do we really begin to recognize what those patterns are that we may need to change in our lives so this destructive behavior does not keep being passed down? One way is of course to just look at some areas in which we struggle and know it isn't healthy behavior but unfortunately we tend to have alot of blind spots and denial in most of us.

So the best way to look at truth and reality is to see it in black and white. A tool I use with many of my clients to do this is called a genogram. It is basically constructing your family tree on paper but once you have all the people in place - probably going to at least grandparents - you then write down the patterns that you know of next to the name of each person - you will continue to do this throughout the genogram until you get to YOU. Then you list beside your name all the things you can see that are now still part of your behavioral pattens. Now a great thing to do is later to put all the positives but for purposes of changing behavior you do focus on the negatives for now.

Here is an example of what it may look like:


Family Genogram

There is something about seeing a BIG picture in black in white that brings reality into our thinking.
So now you can get depressed about your family or you can be really happy that you can change all those destructive patterns for yourself and your descendants. Lack of knowledge and understanding doesn't improve our lives but understanding fully why we do what we do and realizing we have the ability through Jesus to change those patterns in our lives and in doing so it will set a new pattern for everyone else. This is exciting stuff!!!

It doesn't matter what season of life you are in or how old - it is never too early or too late to bring positive, healthy change into our lives.

Next Post: Some common patterns in families that might not be so obvious.

The Dysfunctional Family

2011-08-20T12:32:00.000-07:00

As we talked about last post, the functional family teaches its members basic skills: To feel, to trust and to talk. It is a "safe" place where you understand that you are loved even when you make a mistake or have a different opinion than the others in the family. It keeps open, honest and loving communication flowing.

A dysfunctional family system simply lacks these skills because:

Someone in the family is emotionally or physically abusive or absent, or possibly an addict. Unconditional love is not present
Someone in the family is physically or mentally ill. Not enough time or energy to take care of the members needs
Family secrets are the rule...the message is we don't talk about things - even among the members
One member of the family controls the others so they feel like robots

A family is dysfunctional if life skills are not being taught. A family is dysfunctional if the members don't feel valued and protected. Usually a family member knows something is wrong but the rules against expressing feelings, trusting or talking make talking about the problem very difficult so denial becomes the norm. Denial is an unwillingness or inability to be honest about our feelings. It can become a life pattern. The result is growth and development as a person is hindered and a loss of identity can manifest.

Dysfunctional families don't work because they don't teach the skills needed to have happy effective lives.

The point of all this is not to blame because all these behaviors are passed down from generation to generation so if you want to cast blame it would probably have to be on your great - great - great grandparents and they probably got it from those before them. The point is to recognize any passed down family dysfunction and change it in you so it will not continue to be passed down anymore.

We are going to take some time to see how these cycles begin in families and how we can learn to break the cycles and replace destructive patterns with Christ-honoring patterns of behavior

Next post we will talk about how destructive patterns creep into a family line.

Can you identify any harmful family patterns you need to change?

Teach God's teachings to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Deut. 11:19

A Functional Family....What is that???

2011-08-09T18:57:00.000-07:00

Co-dependency, functional, dysfunctional are all words that many of us have heard for years and yet I think we really do need to revisit what these words mean. We live in a word that is so confusing in so many ways but especially in having an understanding of what a "healthy" functional family looks like or for that matter what a "healthy" functional person looks like. Is there such a thing???

Well, we will never be perfect or even totally functional in this life but we can at least work toward at least knowing what functional looks like and work toward being the healthiest person you can be.

So....back to the question.....What is a functional family? A family is a system in which each person's behavior affects all the other members. This family unit is characterized by a sense of family wholeness. Each family member has a feeling of belonging which contributes to their personal self-esteem. They learn they can trust, feel, and talk about many - if not all - the issues in their lives.

One of the most important things we can learn from our family is how to have healthy relationships. Three skills are needed to have a healthy relationship and they are the abilities to feel, to trust and to talk.

How are these skills taught:
1. By modeling consistency and dependability trust is learned
2. By respecting and talking about emotions, hurts and joys, we learn it's ok to express feeling.
3. By taking time to listen and value what is said we learn how to talk in a open and healthy way.

A family should teach these truths:

That my worth is based upon who I am and I am loved and I belong
That my worth is not based on my performance: I will be loved even if I make a mistake.

God is the ultimate functional parent. He loves us with unconditional love. He says, "I love you because of who you are and I will continue to love you no matter what"

So bottom line:
1 Healthy families establish healthy priorities.

2 Healthy families ask for--and give--respect.Members in healthy families know respect is a two-way street. In order to receive respect; you must first give it.

3 Healthy families communicate.
Happy families talk and listen to each other. They respect the other person's point of view, even when it differs from their own. In healthy families, members practice "active listening" says Mary Durkin, Ph.D., author, lecturer and mother of seven. In her book, Making Your Family Work, she says the following five qualities are common to active listeners.

* Giving the other person opportunities to express ideas and feelings--without interrupting.

* Making an honest attempt to understand these ideas and feelings.

* Setting aside preconceived opinions about the other person.

* Showing respect for the other person's right to hold a view different from yours.

* Demonstrating your appreciation for the effort the other person is making.

4 Healthy families have a sense of play and humor.Educator Dolores Curran surveyed 550 family professionals--teachers, clergy, pediatricians, social workers, counselors, leaders of volunteer organizations--asking them to list the top 15 traits common to healthy families. A sense of play and humor was number five on the list. In her book, Traits of a Healthy Family, Curran notes, "Good families seem able to keep their work and play in perspective. Like the people in the early agricultural communities, when they work, they work hard and when they play, they play hard. They feel no guilt when they reward themselves by relaxing. A sense of humor in the family also keeps things in perspective and works as an antidote to drudgery, depression and conflict within families."

5 Healthy families foster responsibility.Strong, secure families stress a sense of personal responsibility and obligation toward others.

6 Healthy families instill strong moral and spiritual foundations.
Healthy families find ways to cultivate strong spiritual and moral foundations. Some of the ways to do this is to find ways to teach good character traits to children through volunteering and helping others. Being involved in church and/or groups that instill Godly values and principles all contribute to a healthy foundation.

Next post: The Dysfunctional Family

What is Codependency

2011-08-01T12:03:00.000-07:00

What is codependency?

Codependency is a pattern of detrimental, behavioral interactions within a dysfunctional relationship. "A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior" (Beattie, M., Codependent No More).

Sometimes, the codependent is in a familial or other relationship that involves alcohol, substance abuse, physical abuse, pornography, gambling, or other destructive behaviors. The codependent has learned to interact or behave in such ways that they believe will help but never does.

They often feel tremendous guilt, responsibility or need to "fix" by controlling the actions of others, especially the one who owns the original problem. The codependent develops intense feelings and will try anything to make the family or relationship survive.

It's very common to "cover up" the behavior of their loved one; this is called enabling. By enabling, they are allowing the behavior to continue and cause avoidance of natural consequences. Codependents don't want to "rock the boat." They therefore are willing to do most anything just to keep peace. This too is where other family members learn to function in this manner creating the all too common "dysfunctional family."

The codependent will often accept blame for the situation. For instance, in a dysfunctional relationship the codependent will either accept or proclaim that "It's entirely my fault; it's because of something I did wrong."

This fits the source, the dysfunctional person (the addict, abusive person etc) just fine since that person looks for others to blame for their actions. The dysfunctional person is denying, floundering, and usually very capable of using whatever means of escape possible. They are not beyond threats, coercion, or manipulation to avoid taking responsibility.

Bottom line definition: Codependency is a compulsion to control and rescue people by fixing their problems. it occurs when a person's needs for love and security are not met.

Codependency has three core behaviors and three emotional results.

Behaviors:
1. Lack of Objectivity: the inability to see things as they really are. Past hurts keep warping our view of present events.
2. A Warped Sense of Responsibility: not having good boundaries to tell us our responsibilities vs others responsibilities.
3. Being Controlled and Controlling Others: Since we don't have good boundaries we alternate between invading others space and allowing them to invade our space and manipulate us.

Emotions:
1. Hurt/Anger
3. Guilt
4. Loneliness

Next post we will look at what a "Functional" Family looks like..

2011-07-31T08:50:00.000-07:00

and Life Coaching

I have neglected my Life Coaching Blog this month. It has been an extremely fun, busy, crazy month and I just couldn't get the time to write. When I did have time I was too tired to think so I decided it was ok to take a break but it is time to get back into the swing of things and start blogging again!

As I was gone this month one thing I realized is how many out of the country and out of state visitors I have. I have a program that shows me when and where from people are checking my blog and while I was not even writing I have had 620 page views. I don't get alot of followers or comments but I found this stat to be eyeopening.

So I'm saying all this to let anyone from out of state, city or country to know that I do Life Coaching/Biblical Counseling via Skype. Your can check out my links to see the areas that I specialize in.

The way it works is you email me. I will send you the forms needed to get started. We will set up on appt that will be conducted on Skype and you will pay by Paypal before we meet. Our first meeting will be a consultation which will include alot of questions so I can get an idea of how I can help you. After that I will give you some thoughts as to what I feel I can do for you. Then you will decide if it's a good fit and if so we will schedule our next appointment.

The price per session if it is a Skype appt is 42.50.

The 2.50 is what PayPal charges for their services. I can keep the price lower on Skype because I don't have the expense of gas and time to go to the office.

This is the link to the counseling centers I contract with and that I work under. Our meetings will be under the guidelines one of these two counseling centers. www.pathseekercenter.org or faithandhopecarecenter.org .

I am also including my email in case anyone would like more individual information: katcu7@mac.com

Next post I'm going to start a series on Co-dependency - what I consider one of the biggest problems among Christians and I don't believe that was ever God's plan for us.

"For am I now seeking the favor of men or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10

Change Your Life with Your Thoughts

2011-06-27T12:28:00.000-07:00

OK, I'm stealing another article from someone else....but this is too good not to post. I said in my last post that is we could just get our thinking about ourselves in the right place it would change our life, this post from Joyce Meyer is along the same lines. It's understanding the huge connection between what we think and say - and what our life looks like.

Change is hard but this kind of change is so worth it because it is the difference between being happy in whatever situation or circumstances you are in or being unhappy and constantly looking for someone or something to make you happy and fulfilled, which is so sad because that "something or someone" will never be found - happiness comes from within ourselves and it is our choice with God's help to make that happen.

by Joyce Meyer

The longer I live the more I realize how strong a connection exists between our thoughts and our words. I honestly believe that this connection is one of the most important things we can learn in our lives.
So many people's problems are rooted in their way of thinking, which can actually produce a lot of the problems they experience.

How does that happen?
Well, a negative mind produces negative words and, consequently, a negative life. Our words can actually become traps that cause us to continue our cycle of negative thoughts and actions.
Yes, we're all tempted to speak negatively, but we don't have to give in to that temptation.
To turn our words around, we need to start thinking about what we're thinking about, and then make some real changes.
Let me show you how.

The Trap of Negative Thinking

Because I allowed many years of negative thinking and speaking in my life, I became an extremely negative, sour person. My philosophy became "if you don't expect anything good to happen, then you won't be disappointed when it doesn't."
Have you ever felt that way?
Because I had encountered so many disappointments, I was afraid to believe that anything good could happen to me. I had developed a terribly negative outlook on everything.
If I had continued to believe those lies about never getting over my past, I never would've gotten over my past.

New Thoughts, New Possibilities

With God's help I am continually reminded that my past doesn't have to control my future. I don't need God's help in my life to give up; I need His help to keep going!
I now know how important it is for me to understand the fact that my life would not have gotten straightened out until my mouth did…
And since the two are linked, my mouth wasn't going to get straightened out until my mind did.
Changing your words and thoughts is definitely not an easy thing to do, but with God's help all things are possible.

Be Patient with Yourself

We have to choose to think and speak positively. It doesn't come naturally—and it doesn't happen overnight. In fact, it takes a lot of practice.
There will be days when you have setbacks, but just get back up, dust yourself off, and start again.
When a baby is learning to walk, he falls many, many times before he gains the confidence to walk. Failing from time to time—which you will do—doesn't mean you're a failure. It simply means that you don't do everything right all the time.
Well, neither does anyone else.
If you've been consumed with negative thinking and speaking, the pathway to your freedom begins when you face the problem without making excuses for it.
Be patient with yourself. As you change your thinking, your words will change and so will your life!

This article is taken from Joyce's audio teaching, Change.

Self-Compassion

2011-06-19T05:24:00.000-07:00

I received an email from the director of one of the Counseling Centers that I work for and thought it was worthy blog material. As I see many different people each week in my counseling practice - I see so much of what we as people struggle with is how we view ourselves and the messages we give ourselves. So I hope that if you have been beating yourself up for any reason or if that is just how you do life, I hope this article will give you a different perspective on God see you and how He wants you to see yourself. These negative messages we allow in our head are called "ungodly beliefs" and they are lies according the Word of God. Take those "lies" and replace them with "Truth" - God's Truth.

The Discipline of Self-Compassion
by Mike Adams, PhD

What is "self-compassion"? When I first heard the term, I thought it was some disguised term for selfishness. But selfishness is when we meet our own needs at the expense of another's needs. Self-compassion deals is extending compassion or grace to ourselves in areas that we are hurting, deficient, or suffering. It deals with matters of the heart rather than whether I treat myself to that extra helping of ice cream or hit the snooze button two or three more times than I should each morning. Just like compassion towards others, self-compassion is the giving of warmth, care, patience, and encouragement to our own mind. Self-compassion is not about meeting our needs; it deals with the voices inside us. By "voices" I mean the thoughts that run through our heads, the things we say to ourselves, and that thought process that seems to provide constant commentary on our lives. In the Bible, the apostle Paul prays that the churches in Ephesus would grasp how wide, and long and high and deep the love of Christ is in their inner being (see Ephesians 3:14-19). Self-compassion is allowing Christ's sacrificial grace, forgiveness, and ...well...compassion to permeate how we speak to ourselves.

Self-compassion is speaking to ourselves the way Jesus might speak to us. Being compassionate to yourself does not encourage a selfish or self-focused way of being. In practice, self-compassion frees us up to not be as obsessed about our needs. Self-criticism seems to have more of an opposite effect in causing us to become more needy and demanding of the environment. You see, inside of each person is an internal conflict, a war if you will, between a self-critical, debasing, devaluing voice and a compassionate, gracious, positive voice. Self-compassion is learning how to give the encouraging voice more air time. This voice doesn't excuse the areas of our lives that we need to grow but instead encourages us towards greater connection to God and greater connection to becoming more like Christ. So, what types of things do you say to yourself? Are they negative, discouraging statements?

Here are several questions to ask yourself:

1. Do you find it difficult to accept that God has forgiven you for your shortcomings or past mistakes?
2. Do you block yourself from being as compassionate towards yourself as you are towards others?
3. Do you tend to be your "own worst critic"?

If the answer is yes to these questions, then you may struggle considerably with self-compassion. When self-compassion suffers, we become bitter towards others and even judgmental at times, especially of those who are close to us. We can only give the amount of grace that we have allowed ourselves to receive (see Luke 7:47). If this is the case, work on bringing those critical thought patterns "captive" and create a series of more compassionate statements to replace them. Can you imagine what life would be like without a frequent internal critic sitting on your shoulder?

Rating the Way You Were Raised

2011-06-04T06:54:00.000-07:00

I always feel like I need to put a disclaimer on these types of posts. I always want to stress that looking at family background is not to blame or stir up anger toward our parents or caregivers. If we have lived for any amount of time and especially if we have our own children we are very aware that most parents do the best they know how for their children and most of the "dysfunctional" traits that they exhibit come from their background. So we look at these types of things in light of information and education not blame or criticism. As I looked at this list I know I scored pretty badly as a parent - the goal is that each generation continues to get healthier than the last and works on those areas that are known to be unhealthy.

As discussed, unhealthy relational patterns tend to be passed down from generation to generation unless someone makes a conscious effort to change the course.

The ten questions in the inventory will help you judge where you've been so you can better judge where you are and where you should be in terms of relational health.

On a scale of 0-10 use the following statements to rate the way you were raised (0=not at all; 10=all the time)

My parents were:

_______1. Like dictators, wanted obedience
_______2. Rigid, forceful with strict rules, values, beliefs and expectations (shamed if we were different)
_______3. Critical, judgmental with harsh punishment.
_______4. Closed to talking about certain subjects; sex, religion, politics, feelings.
_______5. Poor listeners about my thinking and feelings
_______6. Like a machine with many demands (you should and you should not)
_______7. Degrading with names such as "stupid" "lazy" "no good"
_______8. Cold and indifferent toward me
_______9. Resistant to changes and learning new things (It was not easy to disagree with them and stay "safe")
______10. Distant (not close, not invited to do things with them regularly)

_______Total score. Add up the numbers of your ten responses.

The higher your score (the closer to 100) the higher the potential for your having been raised in an emotionally unhealthy home,.

Questions for further thought:
How much "old baggage" do you still carry? Does any of this "baggage" affect your current relationship to your spouse or children?

Some of the content of this blog post was taken from the book, "Making Love Last Forever" by Gary Smalley

Healthy Relationship Sign #5

2011-05-26T04:59:00.000-07:00

Our last Healthy Relationship Sign is, "The Personal Boundaries of ALL are Respected."

Honoring and protecting others "boundaries' is essential to the health both of the relationship and the individual. Think of your loved ones boundaries or personal property line as a fragile bird egg. If you care for it and nurture it you will see a beautiful healthy bird. But if you are careless and crack it the growing bird inside may die. Respecting the boundaries of your spouse means you honor that person.

We have talked about this in previous posts but I think it bears repeating. It is the one aspect of relationships that can make a huge difference in how healthy and enjoyable our lives together can be.

Another word for respecting boundaries and property lines of another is "honor" If we honor someone, that person carries weight with us. That person is valuable to us. When we honor someone we give that persona highly respected position in our lives. Honor equals love and provides the ability to stay in love.

What is the relationship between honor and love? When we honor someone we increase their value and then we feel the desire to love and do worthwhile things for that person. The bible say's, "Whatever you treasure, that is where your heart is." When we highly value something or someone we enjoy taking care so we don't lose it or harm it. We enjoy "being with it or them." The "feeling" of love is a reflection of our level of honor we have for them.

So how do you retrieve lost feelings of love? By choosing to increase the value that person has in your mind. Honor and love for your spouse grow best out of a healthy respect for yourself. When we have healthy respect for ourselves we are more apt to honor and respect others.

So healthy relationships are relationships that give others the freedom to think, to talk, to feel and connect with us. They show honor by respecting each person's uniqueness.

We all fail in these areas and the key is to develop healthy habits. No matter what your family background is or how unhealthy it was you can learn to be healthy - we can check our marriage vital signs regularly and move from unhealthy to healthy.

Next Post: An inventory that will show you if your were taught unhealthy relational skills. As parents we for the most part do that best we know how to do but when unhealthy behavior comes to light it is up to us as an individual to make the choice to change.

Question to Ponder: What do you honor and treasure most about your spouse?

"Making Love Last Forever" by Gary Smalley was used as a guide for these posts

Healthy Relationship Sign #4

2011-05-17T07:38:00.000-07:00

Sign #4 Everyone in the relationship feels meaningfully connected.

Your connected when you regularly share your deepest feelings with one another, when you are happy to see each other at the end of the day, enjoy doing things together and being together.

The opposite of this is in a situation where a spouse is either neglectful (a workaholic or controlling) Neglect or control creates distance not connection.

We must have connection in our lives - it is a basic human need. If we don't get the connection we need with the people closest to us in life we will most likely find a way to get that need met. Many times this can be through destructive behavior, such as an unhealthy addictions, this can include over eating, over working, and anger. This is a way to medicate the hollow feeling we have inside.

Unresolved anger disconnects people. It makes a person withdraw, not draw close. If your spouse has anger toward their parents they will have a harder time connecting with you. Hidden anger sabotages a lot of relationships, and that's one of the reasons it's so important that we deal with our anger the right way, through forgiveness.

A few ways to create connectedness in your relationships

Look within yourself - do you have an unresolved anger (toward anyone) that needs to be dealt with - if so go here and work through the process
Look at how you treat your spouse - are you neglectful or controlling?
Does your marriage have these four destructive behaviors in it - if so work on the part that you create.
Show honor and respect for your spouse, even when you don't agree with them. Create a safe environment in your marriage.
Create shared experiences - take time to do fun, adventurous or helpful things together

Connection is healthy, lack of connection or distance is unhealthy.

How connected do you feel to your spouse, your children and other members of your family? Or how much distance are you putting between yourself and those you love?

No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That's how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become "one flesh." This is a huge mystery, and I don't pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband. Ephesians 5:33 (The Message)

Healthy Relationship - Sign #3

2011-05-10T04:45:00.000-07:00

In a healthy relationship you not only know your thinking and words will be valued and respected, but you also have the freedom to share your feelings.

An example of this is if someone shares their feelings and the other person states, " I can't believe your saying that! You are always so sensitive!" or one person says, "I'm worried about how this is going to work out" and the other person says, "Come on lighten up! You're making such a big deal about this!"

This is belittling the persons true feelings. As I'm sure I have stated in this post before we have to realize that feelings are real - they may be wrong but they still are real to the person experiencing the feelings. It doesn't mean we don't deal with our feelings but if a spouse is going to create a safe place in the relationship they have to validate that those feelings are real.

So how do we do this? We listen to the feelings of the person without making them feel like their feelings are not valid. We listen to the feelings of another without criticizing or belittling.

Most of the time we do these thing with out thinking. In a marriage it many times becomes a habit.
So today be aware of what you are saying to those closest to you. If they express they are feeling a certain way do you affirm those feelings or do you discredit those feelings?

This freedom to share feelings is one the clearest indicators of the health of a relationship.

Healthy Relationship - Sign #2

2011-05-02T08:30:00.000-07:00

The second sign of a healthy relationship is "Everyone is encouraged to talk and know their words will be valued."

In a good and healthy relationship, you have not only the freedom to think, but you also are encouraged to talk and to express yourself.

When you talk the other person listens with the attitude that what you are trying to say is greatly valued, even if the two of you disagree.

Note: this does not mean it's OK to speak disrespectfully. With freedom comes responsibility and everything we say should be honoring to those we are talking to . Even strong opinions can be stated in a respectful manner.

Whatever type of communication was used in your family of origin that's usually the pattern of communication you will tend to use as an adult. Did you have a distant or controlling parent? Were you never allowed to speak candidly? Were the words, "I love you" seldom heard in your home? If you as an adult are now repeating some of these unhealthy patterns here is an idea of how to begin a new way of communicating:

Go to your spouse, children or close friends and say, " I wish I were talking to you more and listening to what you have to say but I wasn't raised that way, so it doesn't come naturally to me. In fact, it's hard for me. But I want to break these habits and do things differently in this area of my life. WILL YOU HELP ME?"

This does two things
1. Conveys that you are working on this issue and aware that it is a problem
2. Gives permission for the other person to let you know when they feel they are not being listened to respectfully
3. It makes us accountable for our actions.

It will take time and effort but the end result will be worth it. The pull of our past can be broken.

This is an area I struggled in for years. I had wonderful parents but they came from very dysfunctional alcoholic homes and passed many of those unhealthy communication skills to me - I picked them up and tended to be a controlling parent that would not always allow my family to express opinions that were different than mine. I wish I would have learned this earlier but I did learn it and I can tell you from experience you can reverse these habits and patterns we bring from our childhood home. Admit what they are and begin today!

*Take a few moments to think about the patterns of communication you had at home when you were growing up........

*Now ask yourself how are your current patterns of communication at your home different or the same to when you grew up......

What is one thing in communicating with your spouse that you need to ask their help in doing?

Next post: Sign #3 - Everyone has a sense of safety and value in sharing their feelings

James 1:19 "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry."

5 Signs of a Healthy Marriage

2011-04-29T12:17:00.000-07:00

Are my relationships healthy? What does that question mean? What does "health" mean in terms of relationship?

A healthy relationships is one that each person feels valued, cared for, safe, and loved. Each person is relatively content with life and is growing toward maturity.

In every relationship and especially marriage there are at least 5 generally accepted factors or sign of health in that relationships.

Sign #1

1. Each person feels safe to Think for Themselves

If they are told when you say something that "that's a stupid idea" or Just do what I say, stop asking questions!" the spouse will soon learn they are not safe to think for themselves or express their opinion. If this continues it can wear down the persons self-esteem and allow resentment to grow.

Some spouses make it very clear that if you don't think things their way there must be something wrong with you. Bottom line it is communicating to your spouse that their thinking is flawed.

On the other hand in a healthy relationship we encourage others to think. We want our spouse to use their creativity and intelligence, their God given personalities to compliment our own. Someone once said, " If both of us think exactly alike; one of us in unnecessary"

I hate to have to admit this but in my early years of marriage I was guilty of this and so was my hubby. We are VERY different people and really for years had a hard time understanding that the other person perspective could actually enhance our decisions and our lives. We spent many years arguing about things because we each thought our way of thinking was superior.

The truth of the matter is we both had good ideas and we both brought our own individual strengths into the marriage. Now we listen to what each of us has to say and if we don't agree totally many times we will come up with a compromise.

Today, think about the times when your spouse's ideas or counsel blessed your life, your marriage and perhaps even saved your from a big mess. Thank God today for the gift of your spouse.

Next Post: Sign #2 To be Encouraged to Talk and Know Your Words will be Valued

3 A house is built by wisdom
and becomes strong through good sense.
4 Through knowledge its rooms are filled
with all sorts of precious riches and valuables.

5 The wise are mightier than the strong,[a]
and those with knowledge grow stronger and stronger.
6 So don’t go to war without wise guidance;
victory depends on having many advisers.
Proverbs 24:3-6 (New Living Translation)

How to Honor Your Spouse

2011-04-19T13:09:00.000-07:00

We talked about honor 2 posts ago and today I wanted to give you some ideas on how to honor your spouse.

We talked about how "honor" creates safety and security in your marriage, that it is a 'gift' we give our spouse not something that is deserved or earned and that honoring each other is a "Choice"

This hard stuff if you have a difficult spouse or you have had years up built up resentment. First you probably need to clear out some of that resentment - I talked out that in my FORGIVENESS blog. If that is a problem go to that post and work through that process.

We also talked about - what we believe we will find evidence to support that belief - so we need to start by building the belief that our spouse is a great person and we are extremely blessed to have them!

Here are some things you can do to begin the process: (it would be great if you both do this)

1. Make a list of your spouses positives - what you admire about them - their personality, their values, their talents, their character, the way they do things - then post it somewhere you can see everyday.
If you place high honor on someone they will justify it!

2. Become a student of your spouse - What are their preferences? favorite food? favorite date night thing to do? How do they like to relax? What is their love language?
Do things they like, make your spouse feel valued.

3. Remember it's the small things that matter the most - Guys - fix things that need to be fixed, open the door, what ever small things that make her feel valued. Girls- clean something that he would usually have to do, make his favorite food, take the old t-shirt off before bed and put something sexy on :)
If you have been a student of your spouse you will know what makes them feel special!

4. Seek Forgiveness - A heartfelt apology without excuses. Being humble makes your spouse feel honored.

5. Stop being critical, judging and condemning - God is safe, merciful and doesn't judge.
Work on changing you not your spouse.

Ending thought:
You have the freedom and responsibility to change yourself but you do not have the responsibility to change your spouse.

13 For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.

Galatians 5:13 (New Living Translation)

New Blog!

2011-04-18T08:47:00.000-07:00

Well, I did something I said I would never do!! I started a new blog.

I have finally come to the place of realizing I need to keep my Counseling/Life Coach blog separate from my family/life/fun blog so I took the plung today....

My new blog is called, "The Gift of Ordinary Days". A Seed of Hope will be exclusively for counseling and life coaching topics.

Hope you'll take a moment to stop by!

Honor in Marriage

2011-04-13T12:21:00.000-07:00

Last post we talked about creating "security or safety" in marriage. One of the keys to creating safety within a relationship is something that Gary Smalley calls, "Honor." So what does "honoring" someone look like? To honor your spouse or anyone else is:

to value a person highly
to treat them as a treasure and treat them with respect

Honor is like many things - A Choice. We can choose to honor our spouse whether they deserve it or not.

This is the hard part - when you do not feel your spouse deserves to be honored. But the way you have to look at it is that honor is not earned - it is a gift. It doesn't depend on your feelings or your spouses actions - it is something that you choose to give.

Just like many things in life, once you begin to honor your spouse, you will actually begin to see the good things that you couldn't see before. It changes our thought process from a negative to a positive.
What we choose, creates how we feel. So if we choose to honor someone the feeling of honor will follow over time.

You make the choice to value that other person, you choose to look beneath the behavior to find the value inside, you decide to treasure them and look at their pluses not minuses. You keep in this frame of mind and your emotions will begin to fall in line.

Our feelings always follow our beliefs......

This is called, "Confirmation Bias" (look it up) Confirmation bias means that what we believe about someone whether positive or negative, we will find evidence to support that belief.

If you focus on the negatives of your spouse, it is inevitable that you will treat them accordingly. On the other hand if you look at the positive side and see your spouse as a wonderful treasure you will begin to place high value on them and your feelings of affection will grow.

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, found that he can predict divorce by 99% accuracy just by observing whether couples honor each other. Without honor you can not attain intimacy or security in marriage.

Next post: Some ways to honor one another...

"Be devoted to one another in love; give preference to one another in honor" Romans 12:10

Creating Security in Your Marriage

2011-03-30T12:03:00.000-07:00

I've been reading some books about marriage recently, specifically some Gary Smalley books, and the main concept of these books on marriage is the idea of "security" within a marriage.

"The foundational component of an excellent marriage is a truly secure environment-one that is secure physically, intellectually, spiritually and emotionally."

He states in his books that this is the key components to a happy fulfilling marriage.
The concept is that a deep, emotionally-based, intimate, best friend type of relationship can only happen when you feel safe and secure in the presence of the other person.

Many times in marriage we try so hard to create intimacy through, learning each others love language, emotional needs, being romantic, date nights, even attending church and conferences but still none of these methods will work if you do not have the foundation of safety and security in your marriage.

I do have the opportunity to work with couples in couples and marriage counseling often and I have found this to be true. All these methods are great at enhancing your marriage relationship but if you do not feel emotionally safe with that other person these methods will fail to bring true emotional intimacy into your marriage.

So what is “security” in a relationship? I define this as the level of comfort both people feel with each other. These are some aspects in which to assess the safe place in a relationship. They are:

respect
feeling heard
understanding
validation
empathy
love
commitment

In your marriage do you feel safe enough to open up and share who you really are, your deepest thoughts, hopes, and dreams without feeling you will be criticized, blamed, condemned, or judged? Do you feel you have to hide and protect your innermost self because your mate will not give you the safety of being open? Do you feel completely secure in your spouses love?

Well, because this is " A Seed of Hope" Blog we are going to take a few weeks to look at what it takes to build security into your marriage and create 'HOPE" that your marriage can achieve a greater level of "security" even if it's all up to you.

Butterfly Garden

2011-03-28T07:21:00.000-07:00

The Butterfly Garden

Continuing to post about Spring things at our home, last post was about the play set we put up for the grand kids and today will be about my "Butterfly Garden"

Now, if you have followed my past posts for any length of time you know I AM NOT a gardener. In fact, I don't enjoy digging in the mud and getting my hands and feet all dirty and I hate the heat. I am surrounded in life by friends and family who LOVE gardening and planting stuff, I am constantly amazed at how they talk about how relaxing it is, peaceful and something they can do all day. I just don't get it, but then most of them don't get how I can spend hours on my computer either so..... :-)

So you may ask, why do you have any kind of garden? Well, I have found I do like to have very simple type gardens that take very little effort and have some sort of quick reward. I have discovered two of those kinds of gardens.

One, is an herb garden - a couple years ago my friend Cindy (also known as meems) at Hoe and Shovel went to Home Depot to help me create an herb garden and it is still growing and producing wonderful herbs to this day. This is truly a miracle. Link to that post

So, my sweet daughter Debbie, was doing some volunteer work at her daughters school and it entailed creating a butterfly garden. So she enjoyed it so much she decided to created on in her yard. She went to the store and bought milkweed plants and they had Monark Butterfly caterpillars on them and cocoons. The next day one of the cocoons opened up for a beautiful butterfly to emerge.

Well, I love butterflies and all they represent (change, transformation and freedom) so of course I was inspired to start my own butterfly garden. So here are a few pictures of it and my wonderful daughter also bought me a couple milkweeds with caterpillars on them. I have already lost a couple caterpillars to the birds but I have 3 more that I hope will make it.

The Baby Butterfly - Isn't it cute!!

The sibling

what used to be a failed veggie garden now is full of butterfly friendly plants

So to all my gardener friends and family I do now understand just a "little" bit of why you are so enthralled with gardening but I really like the end result much more than the process! :-)

Spring Things!

2011-03-25T05:27:00.000-07:00

We have just completed some pretty deep and heavy posts so today being the Sanquine I am.... I must take a break from serious stuff and talk about some FUN stuff! I am going to start a series on marriage relationships after this but for now.......

Spring is here! And although my favorite of all seasons in fall - I am also very fond of spring. The weather is still cool and everyone and everything starts getting out and being active again after hibernating for the winter. It's not so much like that here in Florida but this was a pretty cold winter even for us, so I think there was some of that even here.

So as spring starts at our house we had two projects that we wanted to complete. One was to build a playset for the grandkids and the other was to start a butterfly garden.

I will start with the playset. We found one for a great price at Walmart - it had to have a glider as that is Anna's favorite thing to play on. :-) We went down to pick it up and it was in two boxes. I asked my hubby how they fit everything in those boxes and he replied, "In many small pieces that I have to put together." : -) Fortunately my sweet and wonderful Son-in-law, Abel, volunteered his Saturday to help put it together. The two of them worked all day on it but the end result was lots fun and laughter for the grands and that is always the goal we have in mind!!

Here are a few pics of the workers, the playset and the kid's having fun!

Abel hard at work and a bit tired I think. :)

Finally getting to the bottom of the box!!

Kaitlyn and Anna finally on the glider!!

Even the big kids wanted to play

Matthew came to join us

A seat for everyone!

Many years of fun to come!!!

Next post I will tell you about the "Butterfly Garden" then back to the serious stuff!!

The Maintanance Program

2011-03-21T10:50:00.000-07:00

So we have come to the place of completing our detox. We have:

Detoxed our Thoughts
Detoxed our Words
Detoxed our Emotions

Just as with recovering from substance abuse, the process of recovering from toxic thinking, toxic emotions and words is sometimes easier than "staying" in recovery. We have to replace of all those things we got rid of. So today we will look at what do we need to do to maintain our new healthy, positive way of living.

Whether you "feel" like it or not, in order to maintain your new healthy way of thinking you must consciously begin to think in a different way. Here are some areas to work on:

Think of all the blessings in your life
Being grateful all the time..constantly noticing and thinking about the things you are thankful for
Focusing on all the things in your life that bring you joy and happiness
Focusing on happy memories and anticipating happy events that are coming
Not allowing fear to enter into your thinking
Make a commitment to walk in love (1 Corinthians 13)

How do you do this? Practice, practice and practice.

Some other areas to work on in recovery:
1. Your relationship with God - growing in the time spent with Him, in His Word and in worship and prayer. Listening to uplifting teaching tapes and music.
2. Have Fun: laughing and having a sense of humor even about the hard things in life
3. Exercise: most of us know that exercise will release endorphins into your system which make you feel happy and calm. The most important thing with exercise is finding something you really enjoy
4. Diet: Think about why and what you are eating. Much of our eating is for comfort so think about whether you are really hungry or just needed something to make you feel better. Drink lots of water!
5. Learn to balance your work and rest times. Fatigue leads to negativity and depression. We must take time to take care of ourselves.

This Detox and Maintenance program is an ongoing process. Sometimes we have to go back to the beginning and start again if we begin to slip. About every 6 months you need to take a pause from life and evaluate how your thought life is, how your emotions are doing. Have you slipped back into old habits? Are your emotions becoming toxic again? Are you harboring any unforgiveness? Are you keeping up with your maintenance program? This is a battle but it is a battle that we are not alone in. God is there every step of the way but we do have to do our part. When you make the decision and commitment to be a healthier person you will find your life is a wonderful adventure and you will be a role model for all those around you!

Make a commitment to walk in love, that is, the intentional choice to love others not matter what. And remember the biblical teaching that love is patient and kind, not jealous, proud, boastful or rude; it is not selfish, does not keep a track of wrongs, is quick to believe the best, wants justice and never fails!

Detoxing our Emotions - I Choose to Forgive __________________

2011-03-17T05:26:00.000-07:00

As we review what forgiveness is and is not and as we ponder what forgiveness will look like as far as feelings are concerned we then can process to the next step. To choose to forgive. Remember we talked about forgiveness is a choice. So when we are ready to finally let go of that person or persons who have keep us bound to unforgiveness and bitterness and all the spiritual, emotional and physical hurt that brings us...... this is a method that is very successful.

On a sheet of paper, list the names of people past and present that come to your mind as those you may need to forgive. Even if they come to mind and your not sure write them down.
Sometimes we hold things against ourselves as well, write "myself" on your list if that is the case. (forgiving yourself is accepting the truth that God has already forgiven you)
You can also write, thoughts against God" at the bottom of the list. Obviously, God has never done anything wrong so we don't have to forgive him - this is more about us releasing our feelings of hurt and resentment toward God if that is an issue, which it is for many people. Those feelings of anger or resentment toward God can become a wall between us and Him, so this is a way to let them go.
Go over the post again about "What forgiveness is and is not."

The next step is to circle those of your list that have created the most hurt, pain or bitterness in your heart. With the ones you have circled you may consider writing a letter (NOT TO BE GIVEN OR SENT) to those people - in this letter you should pour out all the hurt, pain and anger toward them. This exercise "empties" out your spirit and soul of all the "stuff" that you have been carrying around for sometimes years.

**The rest of this process is best done with another trusted friend in your life. There is something about sharing with another person that is very healing to our spirit and soul. But you can do this on your own also.

Read the letters "out loud." Then you can sent them aside and take your original list and pray this prayer over each name:

Lord, I choose to forgive (say name of person)_____________for_________________(what they did or did not do, which made me feel____________________________(list the painful feelings).

After you have gone through this prayer naming each person on your list you can conclude with this prayer saying it aloud:

Lord,
I choose today not to hold on to any resentment or bitterness for those I have named. I thank you for setting me free from the bondage of my bitterness. I let go of my right to seek revenge and ask You to heal my damaged emotions. I now ask You to bless those who have hurt me. In Jesus name.

After praying these prayers you can then take the letters you wrote and burn or shred them. As they shred or burn imagine the pain and hurt being gone just as the words on the paper are gone.

The last step of this process is to write down the date you chose to forgive. Now anytime those feelings, or thoughts begin to surface you remind yourself that on 00/00/00 I chose to forgive this person and I will not pick up that offense again, you can also pray and tell God that you chose to forgive_________ on 00/00/00 so you need Him to take away the thoughts and the feelings.

This gives you a time and a place that you made the choice to forgive and you can always refer back to it when the feelings and thoughts try to come back and they will!.... for awhile... but stay strong and just like the bell over time they will become less and less until one day you realize they are gone.

Any time you find you have picked up an offense or allowed unforgiveness back into your heart repeat this process.

Next post: Tuning in to the feelings of appreciation, love, care and compassion.

Detoxing our Emotions - The PROCESS of forgiveness.

2011-03-10T06:37:00.000-08:00

As stated in my last post one of the most Toxic emotions we can have is unforgiveness - We have discussed what forgiveness is and is not. Today I want to give one of the best illustrations I have ever seen of forgiveness and what it looks like long term. My next post will actually walk through the process of forgiving someone and keeping that forgiveness even when feelings and new hurts appear.

But today I want to give you an illustration that I use with all my clients. It is one of the best visuals I have found and it is someone who truly had a reason not to forgive.

The true and healing kind of forgiveness is a rare gift we give others and ourselves. it is a giving up of our rights, our defenses and our hurts. It is a promise to ourselves and to others not to bring up the offense again to them, to others about them, or even to our own thoughts. True forgiveness is a true letting go of the past.

Many of my clients say to me, "I have forgiven, but the pain is still there and the resentments come back. Didn't you say that forgiveness is a choice."

Well, here is an story of why after you have chosen to forgive, those feelings still rise up from time to time:

Corrie Ten Boom was a prisoner of war in a German concentration camp during WWII. She suffered horrible trauma and saw her father and sister painfully abused. Walking down a city street in postwar Germany, she encountered the familiar face of a German guard from her concentration camp on the other side of the street. Her heart sped up and anger rose inside of her. As she walked down the street away from him the emotion began to subside. She wondered why she was still angry. Had she not forgiven? She had prayed to forgive, she had made a choice to forgive.

She went immediately to her pastor and shared her experience with him. He asked her to come to the church bell tower with him. As they stood by the bell her pastor told her to grab the bell rope and pull. The bells rang a loud ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong. He then told her to let go of the rope. The bells continued to ring until they slowed into silence.

Corrie's pastor explained that her decision to forgive was a releasing of the bell rope of resentment that she had pulled on for so long. The sound of the bells continuing to ring even after letting go of the rope are the feelings she still will have even after she has chosen to forgive.As she moves along in the forgiveness "process" there would still be a few feelings (ding-dongs) that will come into her emotions even after the decision to forgive was made.

This is the way it will work for most of us who have been deeply hurt and wounded by others. We need to fully face the wrongdoing against us, to make a decision to forgive and continue to hold fast to the decision until the day the residual ringing stops.

Next Post: This day I choose to forgive___________________.

Detoxing our Emotions - What Forgiveness is and is not!

2011-03-07T11:10:00.000-08:00

Before we move on to "How do I really forgive someone and make it stick" we need to talk about what forgiveness is and is not. We have to understand this so we can forgive and STAY in the place of forgiveness. Many times the hardest part is not deciding to forgive someone, but the act of continuing to forgive when they continue to hurt us or the feelings and reminders of past hurts continue to affect our lives. You will be more successful if you have a good understanding of these points.

So... Forgiveness is NOT:

Forgetting - but it is healing from the hurt. Healing can not come until you forgive
Minimizing the hurt - It did hurt, it was and sometimes still is painful.
Watering down the offense - forgiveness calls the violation what it is.
For the benefit of the person who forgives; it brings healing and wholeness
Does not always mean reconciliation
IS NOT A FEELING - If you wait until you "feel" like forgiving you will probably never do it. Forgiveness is a choice and the "feelings' will still be there even after you "choose" to forgive, but if you continue to choose to forgive the feelings will begin to lessen over time.

Forgiveness IS:

A Choice - a Decision of your will - You can't turn back the clock and change the past but you can be free from it - but it's your decision. As long as you harbor anger and unforgiveness toward someone you are allowing the person to still hurt you and control you. The only way to be free from the pain is to forgive them.
Agreeing to live with the consequences of anothers sin or behaviorr - The fact of the matter is you are going to live with those consequences whether you like it or not, so the only choice is whether you will do so in the bondage of bitterness or the freedom of forgiveness.
Is choosing not to hold someones sin or behavior against them anymore - It is common for people filled with unforgiveness to bring up past issues with those who have hurt them. When you have truly forgiven someone you let go of the past and focus on the present and future.

The Story of Joseph is a wonderful story of forgiveness. He had every reason to hate and be bitter and unforgiving. He even had an opportunity to “pay back” and chose not to. Read Genesis to learn more about Joseph. Realize that Joseph was only 17 when all this happened. Joseph went through betrayal, hurt, lies and many other unjust circumstances that were not of his own doing for the next 17 years, yet his statement after it all came to light and he was restored to a place of honor was:

You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.
Genesis 50:20 (New Living Translation)

What perspective did Joseph display that enabled him to more easily forgive? Think about why this perspective is so important.

True forgiveness is seldom easy. It can be quite costly but it’s a powerful weapon for tearing down strongholds in our lives and hearts. The enemy will use unforgiveness and anger to keep us in bondage. When we surrender our unforgiveness and anger we set our own heart free so God can take us place we never dreamed possible.

Colossians 3:12-15 12 Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves; you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 14 Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.

Next Post: The process of forgiving

Detoxing our Emotions - Letting go of Unforgiveness

2011-03-04T09:59:00.000-08:00

As we stated in our last post it is so important to release our negative emotions in a healthy way and we discussed many different ways to do that. But many of the people I work with will tell me "I'm doing all that but the feelings and emotions toward some people are so strong I need some other outlet."

When I see that much toxic, negative emotion and feeling coming out about a particular person, it is usually a good possibility that there is a some unforgiveness or bitterness involved.

How do we know that we have not forgiven someone? How do we know that bitterness is creeping into our spirit and soul? We all have momentary moment of hurt or anger toward another person. We all have situational feelings toward a particular person. But when you find you are either thinking or speaking about past issues and bringing up past hurts or pain that a particular person brought into your life, you are probably holding some unforgiveness toward that person.

This is so important because that kind of emotion or feeling will not go away with simply journaling or talking it out. That type of emotion has taken root. Sometimes for years. So the process to get it out of your system and completely detox from that emotion is more intensive.

Dr. Don Colbert says, "Forgiveness is like taking an emotional shower; it cleanses and frees the entrapped soul"

God says, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you" Ephesians 4:31-32 (New Living Translation)

Scientific research proves that love is good for your health. There was a study done by the University of Wisconsin and they found that " Those who develop an ability to forgive, have greater control over their emotions and are significantly less angry, upset and hurt, and much healthier emotionally and physically.

Next post: What Forgiveness is and is not

Detoxing our Emotions...

2011-02-26T06:48:00.000-08:00

One of things that is done in a detox center is to give the person who is in detox a place to express feelings. There is a reason they do this, because those built up emotions and feelings if kept inside become toxic.

Well, in the same way if we are in the process of detoxing our thoughts and our words we have to deal with emotions that have built up possibly over years. Because all those toxic, negative thoughts have been dumping negative emotions into our spirit and soul. I liken it to a garbage can that keeps being filled up but never emptied out. After a while you can't push the stuff down anymore and it begins to overflow and that is the point where we are no longer stuffing our emotions but we are having outbursts of emotion, many times at inopportune times.

In one of the videos I use, the statement is made that - "Unresolved emotions have a high resurrection rate". In other words,if you hide and bury your emotions, the time will come that they will surely come pouring out.

Getting your emotions out creates a healthy environment in our mind and body.

Some signs that you may be holding in our emotions:

Irritability
Short temper
Over reacting
Anxiety
Frustration
Fear
Impulsive
A desire for control
Perfectionism
Self-Doubt

So you say, "Ok I get it, I'm holding in my emotions. So how do I get them out?" I'm glad you asked. What you don't do is begin to explode on everybody.

You need to develop some ways to express emotions appropriately, in an environment that is safe, accepting and non-judgmental.

Here are some suggestions:

Although most people know this helps they don't do it - but if you have emotions that are stuck this will work... WRITING OUT YOUR FEELINGS. Take some time each week to sit down and either journal or just get a piece of paper and write out how you feel and why and with who. Then if you are afraid someone will see it shred it or tear it up. The main thing is to get that built up STUFF out.
Talk to someone. This needs to be a safe, non-judgemental person who will mostly just listen. Again, you are emptying out the garbage and possibly may get some new perspectives as you talk.

Some other ways that people dump emotions appropriately

writing poetry
drawing
typing on a computer
talking to yourself on a computer camera
exercise and talk to yourself why you are exercising

The main point here is to empty out negative emotions on a regular basis.

Next post: Detoxing our Emotions: Letting go of unforgiveness.

Detoxing our Words...

2011-02-21T18:04:00.000-08:00

If we are going to talk about changing our thoughts we have to talk about the words we speak also, as they go hand in hand. Your words come from your thoughts and they influence the circumstances of your life. Just like the negative thoughts, negative words also cause your to release negative chemicals into your brain. Negative words reinforce the negative thoughts which in many cases will reinforce a negative memory. (remember our negative memory strongholds from last post)

We not talking about "positive self-talk" here. Alot of self-talk is speaking a positive but not believing the positive in our mind and heart. For this to work you both have to speak it and believe it in your mind.

So how do we do this? We do it by changing our attitude about the negatives in our past or our present by changing our thoughts about it and our speech about it;

First, we don't pretend things are great when they aren't.
We acknowledge that an issue exists

Second, we consider how we can cope with it. (We come up with a plan)

Third, we decide whether we can do it alone or if we need help.

There are some past issues that sometimes have a root that needs to be talked about and healed from but many times we can begin to see our circumstances(whether past or present) in a different more positive way and we begin to think more positively - we will speak more positively and then we actually grow a new memory over the painful one - The old one won't go away but the new one will be more in the forefront and this new memory will see the circumstance in a new light, a positive one. Its not just speaking or thinking positively that makes the difference it is when we finally begin to believe it is true.

This is where, if this is a struggle we need to see ourselves as God sees us and we need to see our circumstances whether past or present in the framework of His plan for our lives. We can choose to look at these in the positive light of how these circumstances have caused us to grow, become better people, become strong and closer to Him. In every circumstance, I truly do believe we can find a positive and frame a bad memory or a bad circumstance into a good thought and experience. It is a choice.

Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.

Next Post: Detoxing our Emotions.....

Thoughts Detox Eval cont.

2011-02-18T04:49:00.000-08:00

The next step in the evaluation process is to look at three thoughts that seem good and positive but if we believe them unconditionally they can create conflict and stress in our life.

The statements are:

I must do well
You must treat me well
The world must be easy

Although these seem like harmless thoughts in real life no one does well all the time, everyone is mistreated at times and life is not easy or fair.

So when we think "I must do well" it can generate feelings that are not good for you. Expecting unrealistic performance from yourself and others creates a negative effect on your mental and physical health. Notice I said "unrealistic" as I am not saying that we do not do our best or achieve many good things in life.

But if you base your thought life on these 3 statements it will create toxic thoughts and emotions.
So the next part of our evaluation is a realization that we need to let go of unrealistic thinking. Another word for this is "Expectations" We need to do all we can to improve and take care of ourselves, physically, emotionally and spiritually but we need to be realistic about what real life is and how people are and the world is.

Here is how toxic thoughts affect us:

Thoughts create your mood

When you experience a negative emotion you will feel depressed or anxious

A negative thought linked to emotional turmoil will be distorted

There are 4 simple techniques involved in this first step to controlling our thought life:

Understanding how a thought forms. Everything starts with a thought.
You have to consciously become aware of your thoughts - this will actually activate a "strainer" in your brain that will begin over time to "highlight" your thoughts. In other words, bring the thoughts to the forefront of the brain so you can quickly recognize them.
Make a conscious decision to accept the thought (if it is good for you - produces good feelings, or creates action ) or reject the thought (if it is bad for you - creates toxic emotions and paralyzes you emotionally) For best results talk to yourself out loud.
Deal with emotional strongholds. A stronghold is a belief that is strongly upheld - if you have some of the memories you have created toxic beliefs and emotions in you it becomes a stronghold in your brain and in your thought process. The way you combat this it to create positive, healthy thinking to replace those toxic thoughts and memories. Correct, positive thinking actually "grows" your brain and new connections.

Next post we will talk about how the words we speak work hand in hand with our thoughts

Thought Detox Evaluation

2011-02-14T07:28:00.000-08:00

When you are admitted into a detox program one of the first things they do is give you an evaluation. This is to give the staff an idea of where some of the root problems are coming from.

In the same way as we are planning to detox our thought process we need to do an evaluation so we can know where specifically the problem lies.

So today we will do our evaluation.

Today list the following patterns in your thought life:

1. How many times have you said or thought, " could-have, should-have or would-have today?
2. How many times have you inwardly thought "if only"
3. How many scenarios have you thought and created of an unpredictable future?
4. How many times have you played over a conversation or situation that is painful to you?
5. Are you going through the motions of the day not really having a goal.
6. Are you forming a personal identity around a problem or disease? Do you say things like, 'my arthritis", my heart problem" "my unhappy marriage" my problem child"
7. Do you ever make comments like, "nothing ever goes right for me" "everything I do fails', my life is always a mess"
8. Are you honest with yourself?
9. Do you spend alot of time speculating about things (forming an opinion on something with out evidence of it being true)
10. Do you allow your mind to be passive? (allowing it to drift and go where it wants to go without limits and challenges)

If you answered yes to even one of these you need to check yourself into "Thought DETOX!'

Consciously controlling your thoughts is the Main Step of detoxing your thoughts. Your part in this is to learn to not allow thoughts to rampage through your mind but to analyze a thought before you accept or reject it.

You have to take the time to look at your thoughts. Research has shows that an environment in your brain or positive, healthy thoughts can lead to significant structural changes in the brains cortex in only 4 days.

Just remember that just like detoxing from a harmful substance is hard and you want to go back to the substance because even though it hurts you it is a habit that is comfortable and feels safe for you - the same if true for your thoughts - your old patterns and habits in your thinking are comfortable and safe and you will at first want to return back to them even though they are hurting you - this will take:

1. You admitting you have a thought problem
2. Preserving to keep going even when you fall
3. Acknowledging that even though you have certain practical things you must do, it is God would will give you the strength and ability to carry it through and heal any areas that need to be healed in your thinking. To continually ask Him to help you in this process.

Next post we will discuss what to do after the evaluation is done - The next step in Detoxing our Thoughts.

We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ. Our tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity. 2 Corinthians 10:5b (the message)

Some information in this post is taken from " Who Switched off My Brain?" by dr. caroline leaf

Detoxing Your Thoughts

2011-02-11T06:54:00.000-08:00

Many of you are familiar with the 12 step programs for those with chemical addictions. Well, an unhealthy thought life is just another type of chemical addiction or habit. It involves good or bad chemicals being released in our brains and affecting our spirit, soul and body. So today we are going to talk about "Detoxing" our thoughts.

I do want you to know that this is not just something that I believe is a good thing, but something I have done in my own life. I am not perfect and never will be but when I look at where I used to be and where I am now I would say I am definitely a recovering negative thought addict.

In my 20's and 30's I was a very negative, depressed person. Most people would not have known that as I wore a great 'happy" mask. In my 40's life got a little crazy and many of life circumstances turned my very even keel little world upside down and I had to make a decision. The decision was if I continue to be depressed and negative then these events were going to destroy me. I would not be able to cope. Or I could decide to begin to work on my thoughts and create with God's help a more positive, healthy way of coping and looking at life even in the mist of very difficult circumstances. I really believe that decision has saved my life in many ways. I know my health is better because of it but I am a more emotionally stable and healthy person also as a result.

Again, I want to stress I still go down those trails of negativity sometimes but I usually catch it before it goes too far. The key is not to eliminate negative thoughts because that is impossible but the key is to control them and catch them before they grow.

For example - I used have an negative, unhealthy thought enter my mind. Maybe a worry or someone offended me or I became anxious about something then I began to FEEL the emotion of it, then it could be hours and sometimes days and at the worse weeks that this thing would consume me. Now when that thought enters my mind and the emotion or feeling begin to erupt, I am very aware - to the point that I begin to battle it immediately - On the occasion I allow it some growth it still doesn't form to adulthood :) probably stop it in the toddler stage.

The awareness of your thoughts becomes a habit over time - a very good habit.

Next post we will talk about some questions we need to ask ourselves before we start the DETOX process of our brain.

Proverbs 23:7
For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.

Controlling our Thoughts and Emotions

2011-02-08T05:04:00.000-08:00

I'm Back!!! After doing a month of financial stuff I had to take a week to recover..... :) Just kidding. It's been very busy here and I was contemplating my next blog post and where I want to go with it.

Well, I do not have anything new to share but I have decide to return to a subject that I have posted on a couple other times. It is a subject that we always need to work on and need constant reminders about. It is about our thoughts and emotions.

As someone who has the opportunity to talk to about of people about their problems - I see such a correlation between being a healthy person in our spirit, soul and body and how we think. I have been reading and getting any information I can get my hands on about how our thinking controls and effects just about every part of our spirit, soul and body - which is every part of us.

Here are some statistics to get us started:

When your happy or thinking good things your brain releases "feel-good" chemicals.
When you are thinking sad, fearful or angry thoughts your brain releases a different type of chemical - those that are damaging to our bodies
87% of illnesses can be attributed to our thought life and approximately 13% to diet, genetics and environment.
Studies link more chronic diseases to an epidemic of toxic emotions in our culture than ever before. They cause migraines, hypertension, strokes, cancer, diabetes, infections and allergies to name a few. These illness are increasing worldwide.
Depression is linked to a risk of cancer and heart disease
Anxiety/fear is linked to IBS, headaches and heart problems.
75% to 90% of visits to primary care physicians result from stress-related disorders

Are you convinced that it is important for you to get control of your thoughts and emotions. We all have times where we will struggle with depression, anxiety, fear or anger but it is when we stay there too long that it begins to have these damaging affects on us. We need to move through these emotions quickly and not get stuck in some negative pattern.

What we will be talking about for a few days or weeks is "coping strategies" to help avoid a build up of these "toxic" thoughts and emotions. Effective coping strategies will detoxify your brain and give you back control of your body and mind.

It is possible to lead an emotionally happy and physically healthy life by simply learning to control your thoughts.

A couple books I recommend on this subject and will be pulling some information out of are:
Who Switched off my Brain? by Caroline leaf
Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyers

Philippians 4:8 Begin to think on the Word or begin to sing a praise song to God. Make a conscious effort to fill your mind with good, pure, wholesome, and lovely thoughts.

John's Money Tip number 4 - New Habits!

2011-01-24T18:54:00.000-08:00

Well, we are at our last week of "John's money tips" Whoo Hoo!!! Sorry, this isn't my favorite subject but I know it is necessary. :)
Ok heres' John......

Being conscious of how we spend, what we spend and when we spend money is the key to success.

Pay attention to details - breaking patterns and habits have to be looked at closely.
Questions to ask yourself:

Why am I always out of money?
Why can I never accomplish my financial goals?
Why are I struggling financially?

Details are part of the solutions to these questions. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

Being successful with money is a thought out process.
It's better to ask yourself these questions:

When considering a purchase - ask yourself "Do I need this right now?"
Is there a less expensive method or alternative?
Is main stream marketing creating a "false" need in my life?

Some ideas to help you know how much money you have to spend, where are you spending it and how to create new patterns and habits in your life. Click on these links.....

My philosophy of money is to take a simplistic view of it and it's capabilities - you can use it in four different ways:

you can spend it, save it, invest it or you can give it away - how you use money says alot about how you think, your behavior and your beliefs. Think about whether these areas are in balance and if not make the necessary adjustments.

Matthew 6:21 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also".

John's Money Tip number 4 - Prevention through Planning

2011-01-19T19:07:00.000-08:00

One of my key points in saving money is preventative maintenance. The point of this is that neglect will cost you more later. Maintaining the integrity of your vehicles and home will save you money in the long run - it is regular and routine checks that will save you from having unexpected or much larger problems. Whether you do these things yourself or have someone else do them they are important to overall financial stability.

Here is a list of suggestions of what you may be keeping a maintenance schedule with:

Vehicles -

Checking the car fluids levels monthly - such as oil, transmission, or power steering
Have someone you trust that you can take your vehicles to for repairs
Check tire pressure every 3 months
Brake inspections are free - good to do while oil is being changed
Check your wipers before the rainy season - at least once a year.
Check batteries, tires and belts before long trips.

Home -

Every two years have your air conditioning system cleaned and checks by an AC professional

change air conditioning filter at least every two months

One of the most damaging things to a home is water damage -

inspect the perimeter of the house for standing water after rain as this can cause damage to the structure
the ground should always slope away from the house.
pay attention to water stains on the ceiling or roof leakage after rains

It's a good idea to change the water heater every 10 - 12 years as they can often spring a leak causing damage to the home
Replace smoke alarm batteries every time you turn your clocks back
Keep clutter and debris away from the outside structure of your home as that can invite termites and insects
If you notice your toilets are continuously running you have a leaky flapper valve that needs to be replaced - this will cause your water bill to go up.

John

John's Money Tip number 3

2011-01-15T18:40:00.000-08:00

Today we will be talking about a financial concept that many people miss. This concept is what I call, "creating margin" So what does that mean?

Life creates a lot of unexpected events for all of us. For example, cars or appliances breaking down, unexpected insurance increase, medical emergencies or people we who need some financial help. I could go on and on but I think you get the point.

So the way we prepare for these unexpected events is to create, "Financial Margin" which to begin with saving a $1000.00 emergency fund. Margin does something to our thoughts and emotion. First, we don't panic, we feel empowered because we have taken charge of unexpected problems through preparation.

Now, many people may say at this point, 'I don't have the extra funds to save $1000.00. Over time this can be done by anyone. You start with small increments - let's say all you could save in one month was $50. You will have an emergency fund in less than 2 years. But realistically most of us can do more. If you save $100 a month you will have your emergency fund in 10 months. If you try this you will begin to see the value of having margin, it will give you confidence and will more than likely create a desire to begin increasing that fund.

There are some basic rules you apply to your emergency fund:
1. If you use any money out of the fund you always replenish the amount needed to maintain the $1000.00 balance.
2. You never use it for anything other than emergencies

JOHN

38 Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.”Luke 6:38 (New Living Translation)

John's Money Tips for the New Year

2011-01-08T19:15:00.000-08:00

Ok here we go with the next tip - last post we talked about stocking up on off-season supplies - today we are going to jump-start the new year with some new perspective about what you are really doing with your money.

Just like many of us ate too much and gained a few pounds toward the end of the year we now are being more aware of what we are eating and eating less to get the physical part of our lives on track. Well, in the same way we have to spend less and track our spending to get the finanacial part of our life back on track.

So here is the first tip to get started.
We are going to SHOCK our system.......

For one week write down everything you buy in a notebook or journal. Just like a food journal this will give you an awareness of what your are really spending money on. Just like food we tend to think we are eating less than we are, with money we tend to think we are spending less than we are.

You will be surprised at how much is spent on small unneeded things or impulse buying.

Some things you may notice is how much you are spending on coffee drinks, sodas or eating out. A suggestion on the impulse buying would be when you see something you want to buy and it wasn't planned - walk away from it for 24 hours and then decide if you still want it. Most of the time you won't.

"Financial success is 80% behavior and 20% knowledge" Dave Ramsey

Happy New Year!!

2011-01-01T06:32:00.000-08:00

As we begin a New Year and a new decade I was thinking about what would be a good place to start my blog for the New Year. As we are hopefully coming out of a recession and everyone pretty much is having to make adjustments to their lifestyle and especially if anyone spent too much on Christmas or lost a job or had a their income reduced....I thought a good start to the new year would be to have a few posts about "Resourcefulness and Saving Money."

So, if you are reading this blog and know me, you are probably wondering how and why I would write such a post being these are not my strong points. :) Well, you would be right about that - I will not be writing these post but will be bringing in a special guest for this series on "resourcefulness and saving money" That guest would be my hubby - John who is one of the most resourceful and "frugal" (there are other words for that) :) person I know. So I am bringing in the expert!! This should be fun!

So today we will be begin with John's money philosophy:
"My basic philosophy on money is not just about saving it but pragmatic and and resourceful use of money in everyday life habits"

Today John will give one small tip -

Seasonal Shopping and Clearance pricing- after a holiday (such as Christmas) or a season (such as winter or summer) stores begin to reduce their prices on items - today's tip is to begin to buy at the end of a season or after a holiday for the next year. This will mean having a little extra cash put away to do this but the savings can be big.

Example - the day after Christmas - Target puts all their Christmas Items on sale for 50% off. We go and get things we feel will not last until the 75% off starts - which is not alot of things. - we then wait and watch for the 75% and buy all our Christmas wrap, bags, candy for the next few months, cookies for upcoming events, tissue, any new Christmas decorations we want for the next year. Target puts their after holiday items to 75% off usually 6 days after the event - so if Christmas is on Sat - 75% off will be on Friday. Next year we do not have to buy anything for Christmas except whatever gifts we may buy. You can even keep an eye out for gifts at 75% off at various stores if you know what someone might want. The key is to have some extra cash ready for these sales and to be looking for them.

Next Post: Using "Tools" (the things you already have or may need to obtain) to complete a specific task.

Christmas Day Memories

2010-12-26T18:31:00.000-08:00

We had a wonderful Christmas day yesterday, here are a few of the hightlights. I continue to be so grateful for God's blessings of friends and family and a faithful God who is always with us.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-24T19:22:00.000-08:00

It has been a month of time spent with family and good friends. Christmas parties, Christmas plays, dinners, shopping, decorating and making cookies. It has cumulated this week with eating too much wonderful food, watching little faces light up with joy and a Christmas service that gave honor to Jesus, the reason we celebrate this time of year. Tomorrow is the big day so tonight as we returned home from one of our family Christmas parties I thought I would review some of the family events of the month.

Tree Trimming Party!

Matthew and Kaitlyn deciding where to put the ornament

Matthew all ready for school Christmas Play

Anna's Christmas play

Abel, Anna and Nana after Anna's Christmas play

Stockings at Nana's house!

Too Cute and feeling like a princess

Rapunzel

Decorating Cookies!

Debbie, Abel, Kaitlyn and Anna



Sarah, Matthew and Johnny and us! Enjoying the cold weather! Luke 2:13-14 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, (14) “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!” “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!”

Coping During the Holidays

2010-12-16T05:15:00.000-08:00

We all look forward to the Christmas holiday and many time have expectations on what they should look like. We have memories, images of media Christmas on commercials telling us how wonderful this season should be, magazines filled with happy families and beautiful gifts and holiday parties - everything looks so perfect. But reality is most people, especially during this time in our world, do not have the money to make it a "perfect" Christmas in terms of what society tells us what is "perfect", most people have some sort of crisis or at least disappointments going on in there lives so often our anticipation and excitement turns into feelings of depression and/or family disharmony.

Part of what happens in the holiday season, in terms of mood changes and anxiety, may occur because of the stressfulness of holiday events. It may also be caused by overeating, and fatigue. The demands of the season are many: shopping, cooking, and travel, house guests, family reunions, parties, office parties, and extra financial burden.

Sometimes people who are not generally depressed actually struggle with holiday depression. Symptoms can include headaches, insomnia, uneasiness, anxiety, sadness, intestinal problems, and unnecessary conflict with family and friends.

Here are some tools to get through the holiday season happily....as well as ways to prevent problems and misery for yourself and your loved ones:

1. Have an attitude of gratitude. Misery and gratitude cannot occupy the same space in our psychological house, and we have the power to choose between these emotional states. Keep it simple and keep in mind the "Reason for the Season" Christmas is a time of reflection of why we celebrate, it's about family and friends and just spending time together. Don't allow all the outside influences to affect your expectations of what this time of year "should" be like.

2. One golden rule to getting along with family....be responsible for how you behave, You certainly have no control over how your relatives behave. The most important part of avoiding holiday stress with our families is for each of us to feel in control of our own behaviors, attitudes & feelings. If you know in your head and your heart that you've acted like the best parent, child, brother, sister, friend that you know how to be, you can walk away from any difficulty feeling good about yourself. Use Romans 12:8 as your guide. "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

3. If you're feeling depressed and lonely, volunteer with groups that help children, the homeless, or the aged and disabled at the holidays. There are many, many volunteer opportunities this time of year. No one can be depressed when they are helping others

4. Decide upon your priorities and stick to them. Organize your time. Be reasonable with your schedule. Do not overbook yourself into a state of exhaustion--this makes people cranky, irritable, and depressed.

5 Remember, no matter what your plans, the holidays do not automatically take away feelings of aloneness, sadness, frustration, anger, and fear. In fact many times it magnifies it - lower expectations and keep a positive mindset. Ask a friend to keep you accountable.

6. Plan unstructured, low-cost fun holiday activities: window-shop and look at the Holiday decorations. Look at people's Christmas lighting on their homes, , etc.--the opportunities are endless.

7. Do not let the holidays become a reason for over-indulging in food and drink and create unnecessary weight gain and fatigue . This will create depression and anxiety. Keep up with your exercise routine or start on.

8. Give yourself a break; create time for yourself to do the things YOU love to do.
If you keep only one thing in mind to combat the holiday blues, make it be to remember: The choice is always yours: The sky is partly sunny, and the glass is half full, if you want it to be that way. The "blues" confront all of us, particularly at holiday time. It may be caused by the memory of loss, feelings of disappointment, or just being run down from parties, overeating, and shopping. But for many of us, holiday depression can be a choice we, in effect, choose to make. If we choose not to make this choice, we can choose instead to focus on the partly sunny skies and revel in our gratitude for our bounty, health, hope, and our courage to face each day with hope and determination.

and this is our HOPE:
Luke 2:9-12
And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with fear. (10) And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of a great joy that will be for all the people. (11) For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. (12) And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger.”

A New First

2010-12-13T05:27:00.000-08:00

Paul and Renee

There are many firsts in life, the first step, the first day of school, the first baby and on and on. Well, when you get into your fifties (can't believe I'm there!) you don't have as many "firsts" and when you do they aren't always positive. :-)

Well, I had a new first last week and it was a positive one. As many of you know I am a counselor and life coach. I work for two counseling agencies, PathSeeker Center and Faith and Hope Care Center. I have the opportunity occasionally to do pre-marriage counseling with engaged couples preparing for marriage.

I was seeing a sweet couple who I really connected with back in January and at the end of our sessions they asked me if I was authorized to do weddings. Well, I was ordained years ago as part of my requirement for my counseling degree so I told them I could but that I thought they should get someone who has done a wedding before. They continued to say they wanted me to do it and I continued to tell them that I have never done a wedding so I may mess their whole ceremony up. Well, they were a very determined couple and I really felt good about their marriage so I said I would do it.

The wedding was set for Dec 11 and it was at the beach - so Friday the day had finally came and I prepared the best I could and God was good and the bride was beautiful and the groom was handsome and it was an amazing wedding. I walked away so glad that I said yes to them. It was right up there with being one of the most fulfilling experiences I've had.

So my take away from this is that no matter where we are in life we need to be willing to do something different and get out of our comfort zone. God never stops challenging us to continue to grow in all areas of our lives. Don't take the easy way but take the way that God leads you to take even if it's uncomfortable (and it will be) because in the end there will be great rewards and fulfillment when we are willing to stretch and grow.

No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
Romans 8:37 (New Living Translation)

Do Cat's Like Hats?

2010-12-08T04:53:00.000-08:00

No, I do not think cats like to wear Christmas hats or any other type of hat like dogs do. :) I bought my kitty the cutest Christmas hat and here is the reaction I got. Just thought I send a little Christmas cheer today!

I Will not Live in Fear! Part 2

2010-12-03T04:37:00.000-08:00

As my last post stated fear causes us to want to flee what God wants us to confront. We have to choose to be confident instead of fearful. The devil hates confidence. Again, you may not feel it but you can act confident.

When God gave Joshua the job of leading the Israelites into the promised land, He said, "Be strong, vigorous and very courageous. Do not be afraid." Joshua 1:9

"Courage is not the absence of fear but it is the progress in it's presence."

Every time God leads us into a new area that will be better for us. The Devil will launch an attack of fear against us. Fear is the opposite of faith.

Here are some tips on overcoming fear in your life and your thinking

Confess with your mouth " I am a person of faith, I think faith, I talk faith and I walk in faith."
Meditate on scripture about faith. Hebrews 11:6
Isolate repetitive fears (monitor them) and make a decision to overcome them - most fears are irrational.

I have put this in a previous post but I I'm going to put it in this one again because it is something worth repeating.

Beth Moore had a great way of looking at fear. She told of a fear that was gripping her, it was tormenting her and finally God spoke to her heart and said, "Beth, What if it happens. What will you do." Beth replied, "I will be devastated! I will hide, I will cry, I will feel like my life is over." Then God spoke to her heart again and said," Then what" she replied," Well, I will tell people how bad it is, I will grieve, I will feel like I could never minister again." so He said, " Then what?" so she said, "Well, eventually I would start praying and reading your word and get back up and start moving forward because I know that you will help me and give me the strength." And then Beth said she realized what she said and that is was all true. Even if her worst fear came about, and usually they don't she would have the Courage eventually to get back up and keep going.

When you feel fearful, ask yourself what is at its source? Walk through Beth Moore's scenario of fear and see if your outcome isn't the same.

Romans 8:31 "What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us?"

I Will Not Live in FEAR!

2010-11-30T04:55:00.000-08:00

Two more posts on challenging our thinking. One of the biggest areas most of us struggle in with our thoughts is allowing fears to creep in and create havoc in our thoughts, emotions and even our physical health. Joyce Meyer has a great chapter on this in her book "Power Thoughts."

To fulfill God's plans for our live and enjoy all His blessings we must refuse to live in fear. In the world we live in that can be hard to do at times. I have some personal challenges in my life that I could allow to keep fear alive in my thoughts and spirit but I have had to learn these concepts so I can enjoy life and allow God to use me. I'm not saying it's easy and depending on what the situation is that we are dealing with, it may at times be a daily if not hourly process.

When we live in fear we can not enjoy anything.

This is how fear operates:
All fears come from the same source and has the same purpose.

They all begin and come from the enemy
They all steal from us

Types of Fears:

Fear we won't be accepted - so we develop masks
Fear of failure - so we don't try new things or stretch ourselves
Fear of the future - this causes us not to enjoy today

Fear is the opposite of Faith - so if you are living in fear you are not living in faith.

Fear tells you what you aren't, what you don't have, what you can't do and what you will never be. Romans 8:15

If fear begins to overtakes you - begin to pray and confess "I will not live in fear" We will still "feel" afraid but feeling afraid is not being afraid - being afraid holds us back much like anger - it's not the feeling that is the problem it's what we do with it that is.

Is OK to feel fear sometimes there is nothing you can do about that feeling. Being Afraid means "to take flight" to "run away from" It causes us to want to flee what God wants us to confront.

As Joyce Meyer's has said "Do it afraid!"

Next post - "I will not live in fear" Part 2

"For God has not given us the spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline"
2 Timothy 1:7

Happy Thanksgiving!!

2010-11-25T19:14:00.000-08:00

Well, after much preparation, a wonderful day of spending time with family, way too much good food, and ending up with fun games I am now sitting down. :)

Thanksgiving is may very favorite holiday. First because it's in the fall, next because it is mostly about family and just being thankful. It's a time when we reflect on all the blessings in our lives. We all have our struggles in different areas of life but no matter what those may be we always have something to be thankful for and usually it's many things.

This is a just a little photo journey of the day and once again I'm so grateful for my family, for the country I live in and most of all a gracious loving God who is always there for us and sees our every need and hears our every prayer.

Dad and Daughter

Some of the Girls

The Turkey!

My Sweet Sis in Laws

Both Friends and Family

The younguns

My very cute girls!

The guys table

The girls table

Challenging Unhelpful Thinking

2010-11-12T06:15:00.000-08:00

Our last post we talked about Unhelpful thinking patterns and how they effect our feelings and our behavior. So now we need to pick out the unhelpful thinking styles that we most often go to. Now we want to challenge or get a different perspective on that thinking style so the following is what that looks like. The best way to do this is to chart it on a sheet of paper, with 5 categories:

Situation When did the situation occur? Who was involved? What happened?

Feelings Describe you feelings during the situation and it’s intensity
( 0 = no intensity, 10=great intensity )
Automatic Thoughts What were you thinking before you noticed the unpleasant feeling or emotional experience.
Unhelpful Thinking Style
Identify the mind trap you fell into: filtering overgeneralizing etc.

Alternative thinking or response Challenge your unhelpful thinking style using an alternative thought or response

Now you begin at least one time a day to record any unhelpful thinking styles and challenge them with healthier alternative thoughts. The purpose of this is to learn to think in a healthier more flexible way. Do this for about 4 weeks to create new habits in your thinking.

If you would like the worksheet that goes to this exercise just email me at katcu7@mac.com and ask for the "challenge your unhelpful thinking style" worksheet.

The following is a list of alternative responses:
- Instead of All or nothing thinking: (see things in black and white) use Seeing in Shades of Gray (ask yourself "Am I being fair?: Is anything except God 100% good or bad. What possibilities am a missing when I choose to see only black and white.)
- Instead of Overgeneralizing:(focusing on the negative outcomes of events and use those outcomes as a general rule for everything in your life) use Being Specific (Ask yourself "What are the facts about this situation? Is it really as bad as I think? Avoid using the words always, all, none, never, everybody and nobody)
- Instead of Jumping to Conclusions: (Making a negative conclusion even though there is no evidence to support it) use Sticking to the Facts (Ask yourself "What facts do I have that my conclusion is accurate?" What facts do I have that my conclusion in not accurate?
- Instead of Magnification or minimization: (When thinking about yourself or others, or a specific situation you magnify the negative qualities or minimize the positive qualities.) use Keeping things in Perspective (Ask yourself "Is my opinion 100% accurate? What are some aspects of this situation that I'm not seeing?)
- Instead of Emotional thinking (believing that your feelings are true judgments about who you are or the situation you are in) use Rational thinking (Ask yourself "What is the evidence that my judgments are 100% true? Is there another explanation for the way I'm feeling?)
- Instead of Labeling: (The worse version of overgeneralizing. Instead of just being negative about yourself you label yourself or others or situations without looking at all the facts) use Remaining Non judgemental (Ask yourself "Am I being fair to myself, other and the situation? What possibilities am I cutting myself off from?)
- Instead of Personalization: (You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event for which in fact you were not primarily responsible. Taking blame for things that you had no control over.) use Balancing Responsibility (Ask yourself "Am I really 100 percent responsible for this? if not, who should share the responsibility? Who else is at least partly responsible)
- Instead of Should statements: ( having a fixed idea of how things "should" be and get angry when your expectations aren't met.) use Being Flexible (Ask yourself, " How can I be flexible in this situation so that everyone can be somewhat happy or satisfied? How can I make a fair compromise?)
As you do this for at least 4 weeks you will see patterns in your thinking. Most people don't have all these unhealthy thinking styles just 1 or 2 that are dominate so once you see the pattern you can really zero in on it and correct it. It really does usually take 30 day to begin to break a habit so if you are serious about changing your thinking you need to do this for at least a month.

Next post How to overcome 'Fearful Thinking"

Watch your thoughts, for they become words,
Watch your words, for they become actions,
Watch your actions, for they become habits,
Watch your habits, for they become character,
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.
-Anonymous

Unhelpful Thinking....

2010-11-05T05:26:00.000-07:00

If you have spent a few days identifying your automatic thoughts you have possibly noticed some patterns of similar, repeated thoughts. We tend to have some common unhelpful thinking styles that have become habits in our thinking. These unhelpful thinking styles generate many of the distressing thoughts that lead to distressing emotions.

These thinking styles could also be called mind traps because we get caught in them. Here is the list, look through it and see if there are any that are getting in the your way -

All or nothing thinking: You see things in black and white - if your performance falls short of perfect you see yourself as a total failure.
Overgeneralization: You focus on the negative outcomes of events and use those outcomes as a general rule for everything in your life. you use terms like every, all, always, none, never, everybody and nobody. "I'm the one that always struggles" "I never do things right"
Jumping to Conclusions: You make a negative conclusion even though there is no evidence to support it. Ex: you conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you without even checking it out as fact. You create situations based on emotions not fact.
Magnification or minimization: When thinking about yourself or others, or a specific situation you magnify the negative qualities or minimize the positive qualities. Only seeing how bad or how much you messed up something or not seeing how good you are at something.
Emotional thinking vs Rational thinking: With emotional thinking you believe that your feelings are true judgments about who you are or the situation you are in. Rational thinking looks at the evidence not the emotions. Emotions will lie to you - they aren't permanent and they are not accurate descriptions of who you are or the situation you are in.
Should statements: Oh we all do this one....You have a fixed idea of how things "should" be and get angry when your expectations aren't met.
Labeling: The worse version of overgeneralizing. Instead of just being negative about yourself you label yourself or others or situations without looking at all the facts: 'I'm a loser" "They are just mean and evil!"
Personalization: You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event for which in fact you were not primarily responsible. Taking blame for things that you had no control over.

So what you do now is go through this list and pick out the thinking styles that seem familiar to you - you recognize this pattern in your thinking. Next post we will talk about how to change them.

"Lean on, trust in and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding." Proverbs 3:5

Teach Your Mind to Work for You

2010-11-02T07:40:00.000-07:00

OK, so now we get into what my dad used to call, "The Hard Work of Change" We've talked about why we think like we do and how that affects us in every area of our lives. So now we are going to look at how do we change the way we think. The two key words to this is "Hard" and "Work." Not to discourage anyone but we need to be realistic. We have spent all of our lives thinking a certain way, we have ingrained patterns of thinking - habits of reacting a particular way so it only makes sense this isn't going to happen overnight.

I have been working on this for quite awhile and I still at times fall into old thought patterns, the difference is I know it pretty quickly if not right away so I don't stay there as long as I used to. I know if I do the result is only going to be harmful to me.

We all have different areas of struggle but these tools will help no matter what your particular toxic thinking may be. The key to remember is that your mind will either work for you or against you - it's up to you to train it in the right direction.

One of the first and most obvious things we need to change is to make an intentional decision to think positively. Dr. Caroline Leaf, a leading Neuro-Metracognitive learning specialist and committed Christian, says that the "human brain takes eighteen years to grow and a life time to mature" The good news is that you don't have to be stuck in old thought patterns, your brain is in the continuous process of maturing.

I'm not going to go into all the benefits of positive thinking because I think most of us know that - we get how good it is for us but how do we do it on a constant basis? In our next few posts I'm going to give some practical tools that will help in this process. But for today lets begin at the most basic part of changing our thought process, Joyce Meyers calls it "on purpose thinking" secular therapy calls it, "Challenging and correcting self-defeating thoughts." Its all the same, it's becoming very aware of our thoughts, what triggers them and then challenge and correct them.

The best way to start this to log on a piece of paper for a week what your "automatic" thoughts are, especially when they are connected to a distressing emotion, such as anger, sadness or worry.

So this is how you do this:
Begin a "Thought Journal" Divide your paper into 3 columns, 1. the situation 2. your feelings, 3. Your automatic thoughts. As you go through your day and you experience an unpleasant emotion, see if you can identify the situation and the thought that went with it.

"For we are God's (own) handiwork (His workmanship) recreated in Christ Jesus, (born anew)that we may do those good works that God predestined (planned beforehand) for us (taking paths which He prepared ahead of time) that we should walk in them (living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live.) Ephesians 2:10 amp

Taking Your Thoughts Captive.....

2010-10-27T06:39:00.000-07:00

We've talked about how our family of origin and our environment has influenced our thoughts and perspectives of ourselves and our world. There is one other very important influence that ties it all together, in fact this influence takes those negative events or thoughts that happened or began in our childhood and keeps them alive in our adult minds.

This influence is the most deceptive and clever and needs to be recognized. This influence is the enemy of our minds, our hearts and our spirits, Satan, the accuser of the brethren (Rev 12:10), the father of lies and of all that is false (John 8:44). The Bible tells us that he accuses us day and night. He knows our vulnerable areas and that is where he attacks us in our mind.

For example when I was really struggling with self esteem issues I would be bombarded in my mind in certain situations - such as a friend that had this gorgeous house or I met someone who had the perfect body - It did not take away what I thought of them - I saw them as great people and friends but I would begin to think about how I just don't fit in - I'll never be as good as them etc etc. Some of it was coming from me but most of it was being feed into my mind by the enemy and I was embracing the thoughts, dwelling on them and keeping them.

The difference now is that if that thought even begins - I first state to my mind that I am not going there, it is a lie. Then I begin to think about all the good things about my life and who I am. At first I would have to do this often but as you continue to discipline your mind in this way it becomes easier and easier. I will always have to be on guard against certain ways of thinking and I know what they are. It is something different for all of us, for some it may be more worry and fears but we all have areas we need to be aware of and take those thoughts captive.

The bible says that we should not be ignorant of the enemy's devices (1 Cor 2:11). The word device is defined as "a scheme to deceive" One way the enemy uses his devices against us is to plant thoughts in our mind. Toxic Thoughts! (ones filled with anxiety, depression, lies or that are harmful to us)

As I stated above it is important to know your "weak spots" The enemy does not simply want to plant individual lies in our minds - he wants to and will create "strongholds" in our life through our minds.

A stronghold is defined as, a fortress, an area dominated or occupied by a special group. Strongholds are wrong mind sets and thought patterns that are based on lies so the enemy can dominate certain areas of our life.

Satan creates strongholds in our life by hammering and hammering negative thoughts into your mind until you are convinced he is right - he wears you down. He has a custom made plan to stop you from fulfilling God's purposes in your life and the greatest tool he has in your mind.

This is why it is so important to recognize those lies and to begin to systematically destroy them, defeat them, correct them, replace them and break those strongholds. It is never to late to do this.

This takes us to were our next posts will go.... to renewing our mind. We need to examine what we believe and begin to ask why we believe that way. Why do we have the worries we have, the fears, the feelings of anger or rejection. All of the toxic thinking you have are based on lies. The biggest one being that you have no control over it.

I will end with 2 Corith 10: 3-5 and next post we will begin the process of renewing our minds and taking every thought captive to obey Christ.

"For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh, "For the weapons of our warfare are not the flesh but have Divine power to destroy strongholds. "We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God and take every thought captive to obey Christ"

You Have to Go Back To Go Forward Part 2

2010-10-22T05:04:00.000-07:00

Last post we talked about how our family of origin forms some of our thinking but to a much greater degree I believe it is the world around us that forms our thought process and our view of ourselves. School experiences, relationships with those outside of our family and the culture we grow up in.

We all have horror stories from school and as much as we laugh now or say it doesn't matter that fact is that the messages we were given in school has a huge impact on our thoughts. The relationships with those outside of our family also have an impact on us - what they said to us, how we fit in, how we perceived ourselves in relation to our peers. Early dating relationships and even beginning jobs and teachers all have had an influence on our thinking.

Again, as with our family of origin we have to take those messages that we have embraced as truth and realize they are lies and they are keeping us captive.

Some examples from my life:
I always struggled with my weight as a child and teen - I was called names at school always felt my friends (and they were :) were thinner than me. So one of my battles in my mind it to accept myself as God made me. I do my part - I eat fairly well, I exercise but I in my mind will never be as thin as I feel I need to be. For years I struggled with this, it hurt my self-esteem and confidence. But although I am still conscious of it I no longer allow this to consume me.

My parents were older parents - my mom had me when she was 40 and back in those days 40 was 40 :) She was not someone that was conscious of style whether clothes or hair and we didn't have alot of money. So I usually went to school with out the advantage of looking like everyone else. In my perception everyone seemed to look better - clothes, hair, stuff they had. Even going to their homes and seeing their rooms. I always felt that I didn't measure up. What that created in me was a discontentment throughout my life. No matter what I finally obtained or looked like I still never felt as good or that I had as much as the others in my life.

Include with all this the influences of our culture - everywhere you look you are told what you need to look like, what you need to buy and how thin you should be - Every book, commercial and ad - shows pictures of perfection whether it be how you dress, look or your home and all that you own. No one can possibly live up to these images. A few years ago Dove soap came out with a very real video on how our culture is influence our daughters. Here it is:

Side note: We need to teach our kids these concepts and do all we can to help them to be confident people. They are growing up in even a more difficult culture and environment than we did.

In both these cases I had to change my thinking. I had to see that the messages that were brought into my life by early experiences where lies. God made me the way I am and I choose to be happy with that. I needed to begin to see all the good things in my life and what I do have not focusing on what I don't have. In later posts I will give some tools to help with these processes. And it is a process - when you have thought one way for years and years it takes time to reverse that thinking.

Next post we will talk about the third roadblock to our thinking - "The enemy, the father of lies"

Sometimes You Have To Go Back To Go Forward......

2010-10-21T06:20:00.000-07:00

In the process of changing and getting control of our thought process we first have to look at how our thought process was formed. Well, we looked at in the last post how childhood experiences form many of our thoughts about ourselves, relationships and the world in general. We all have positive things that we learn from our family of origin and we all have negative things. What we have to do is number one make sure we have let go of any anger, bitterness or unforgiveness from our family. That frees us to move forward - then we need to examine what negative messages we may have received and held onto. Some of these negative message were made directly to us but most where given to us in modeling.

We tend to tag our kids with something that may have been negative for you or even a positive that then became an unrealistic expectation of you - she is the smart one, or he's our problem child, or she is our shy one, he's the one that I always depend on. You may need to let that tag go. Personality and Birth Order ties in to this also.

Some examples of negative messages or examples are:

How conflict was handled in your home
Was your home one of peace and stability or an unstable household with people who always let circumstance control their moods.
How people communicated their feelings in your home
How secure was your home, did you feel safe, did you feel loved, did you feel taken care of
Did your environment promote confidence in yourself, where you encouraged and affirmed
Was there healthy discipline and structure in your home
Did you have fun and laugh
Where you emotionally, physically or sexually abused

All these factors and more contribute to how we think about life, ourselves and our relationships. Of course the most damaging are the abuses but no matter what messages you were given you can reprogram the computer of your brain. You can replace the lies with truth.

Again a reminder, this is not to blame but to understand and to make sure we are not repeating the same mistakes in our families. Once you look at the negative messages you have been given then you need to begin to see if any line up with God's truth and His Word and if they don't then they are a lie and need to be replaced in your mind with truth. If conflict was not handed well in your family of origin then you begin to learn how to handle conflict in a healthy way - this is a process of changing your thinking. Insecurities in childhood lead to low self esteem and lack of confidence so you know those are lies - you begin to see yourself as God says you are.

I have a list of affirmations that I give my clients and have them say them everyday until they begin to reprogram their thinking. If anyone wants some copies just email me at katcu7@mac.com and I will send them to you.

As you forgive and understand your family of origin and the experiences you had you then need to look at all the positives you received from them and there were many, in fact God placed you in that family to make you the person he purposed for you to be so begin to acknowledge the negative messages and let them go, replace them with truth then embrace all the positives that came from your family. As you do this you will look at your childhood in positive terms, because you will have a positive mindset with better thinking patterns. You will look at your childhood, your parents and family with an air of forgiveness and gratitude for all the experiences they have brought to you.

A few tips that may help the process:

Acknowledge that you are different from your parents and that it is OK.
Accept that your parents aren’t perfect (and neither are you).
Take responsibility for who you are today. Acknowledge what was troublesome about your growing up experience, accept it, and move on.
Realize that your parents are a product of their own growing up and life experiences.
Know that as an adult you are entitled to your own choices, opinions and decisions, even if they turn out to be mistakes. How else can you learn?
Understand that today you have the power to influence your relationship with your parents in a positive way, even though you’re still “the kid.
Stop trying to change your parents. Instead, think about how you can change your behavior so as to create better interactions with them.
Avoid old, toxic topics that are never resolved, and which only bring you pain.
Develop and enjoy interests and activities together, where you can participate as equals.
When issues come between you, treat them as problems external to you both, not as character flaws or as a battle to be won.
Notice and acknowledge the good things they have done, and continue to do for you. Thank them for these things.
Even if relations are strained, try to remain in contact, if only through notes, e-mail or voicemail.

In rare cases even these steps won’t be enough. The pain you experience as a result of continued contact with your parents may be greater than any benefit you receive.

"For if you forgive people their trespasses (their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go and giving up resentment) your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their trespasses (their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go and giving up resentment) neither will our Father forgive you your trespasses." Matthew 6:14, 15

Where do those thoughts come from??

2010-10-19T05:32:00.000-07:00

I was planning to launch into the facts and tools we need to begin the process of changing and controlling our thought process but then began to think about my own journey (and it is a journey!) toward having better control of my thoughts. When I talk about how our thoughts control our life I am not just talking about a bunch of skills and tools I have learned but I really have applied these to my life. I am still learning and always will be, I sometimes find myself slipping back into old thought patterns but compared to where I was - it's so much better. So I know this works!

So I want to start with the basics today. Where do we get these thoughts? Why do we think like we do? Well, for most of us a great deal of our thinking came from the way we were raised, the world around us (school, relationships, work, culture) and the evil spiritual forces at work in our world.

I want to take a moment to say a disclaimer, Although a part of the way we think comes from how we were raised I want to make clear that we are not blaming our parents for our negative thought process. I always tell my clients, we are not looking to our family background to blame anyone but to understand so we can move forward. Our parents had their family background that influenced them and if we are parents I can promise you our kids will be one day say how our parenting negatively influenced them in some way. :) So keep in mind anything I say about my parents is said in the context of love and understanding that they did the very best with what they had. My parents had a very difficult family background. My dad had 2 alcoholic parents and my mom had a alcoholic dad and lived in poverty. I am sure I don't know alot of things that probably happened in their lives as people of that generation didn't talk about such things.

I am 53 years old. I really only really began to get this in the last 10 years and really applying it in the last 6. I wish I could have understood while I was still raising my kids how important it is to get control of your thinking. I realize now that I can live a life in which circumstances do not determine whether I am happy or not and stress does not have to overwhelm me. I now realize that other peoples behavior or my perception of their behavior does not have to affect me negatively. In fact, I have no one to blame for my anger, depression, attitude or any other feeling I may have but myself. Now they may have caused me to feel a certain way but it is totally up to me what I do with those feelings.

I certainly am still working on this and I'm quite sure I always will be but I used to be a very angry, depressed, unhappy, discontent, negative person. Now, most people didn't know that about me because I worn a very nice happy mask most of the time. But my husband knew and I'm sure my kids were affected by it. And if you were one of those unfortunate people that got on my bad side you definitely saw that side of me! :-)

But the point is that this was where my thoughts were most of the time and it affected me in every way. It affected my self-esteem and how I viewed myself. It affected my relationship with God. It affected my relationships with the people in my life. For example I was very sensitive and easily offended. If someone said something or did something that I "perceived" as criticism or judging me or the way I did something, I would spend literally days playing it in my mind - what was said, what I should have said, how could they, would do they think they are? I would create whole situations in my mind that didn't even exist. I would either avoid or shun the person after that or finally find out my whole perception was wrong. I would feel overwhelmed emotionally - I would lose my temper, spend days and weeks feeling depressed and angry and felt like everyone was better than me. I could go on and on but all I can say is that these negative thoughts and perceptions would consume my life. I hate to think how my hours, days and months I spend in a place of unnecessary emotional turmoil.

I finally began to see that I do not have to passively meditate on whatever comes into my mind not matter what someone says or does. I have a choice on how I respond to these situations and more importantly how I allow these things to affect me emotionally. I threw away my "excuse bag" and took responsibly for my own thoughts, feelings and behavior.

Next post we will talk about how our childhood experiences have affected our thinking especially about ourselves.

"Even if it's not true and you believe it - it is true for you and you are believing a lie"

"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think" Romans 12:2

Power Thoughts

2010-10-17T17:55:00.000-07:00

Today's post will begin a new series on how our thoughts affects our life. I'm reading the new Joyce Meyer's book "Power Thoughts" and I would recommend it to anyone that struggles with their thoughts which is just about everyone.

It says in Proverbs 23:7, "For as he thinks in his heart so is he." If we think positive thoughts we become positive people and yet if we think negative thoughts we will probably be negative people and that will affect our life, our relationships and our success.

Neither I or Joyce are saying that we can think stuff into being - that is a humanistic belief but we need to recognize that our thoughts are powerful and it is a biblical concept that you see often stated in scripture.

In most secular therapy they use what is call "Cognitive therapy" that is simply taking control of your harmful thoughts and replacing them quickly with healthy thoughts. The only difference between that and what I am talking about is that instead of it being something we generate from within ourselves when we take our thoughts captive through Christ we are receiving more help and power from Him than ourselves - although I am a big believe that we always have to do our part first then God comes in and helps in the areas we can't.

I believe we have the ability to choose what we think and decide what not to think and of course we have an enemy that is constantly trying to influence which way that goes. So that is what we are going to talk about for awhile - again it may be 2 posts and it may be 20. :)

Anna's Kitty Party

2010-10-10T18:37:00.000-07:00

The Kitty Cake

I am trying to get back to my Life Coaching posts but I had one more family event I wanted to make note of...... Saturday we had a birthday party for my now 4 year old granddaughter - Anna. My daughter (one of the most creative people I know) asked Anna what kind of party she would like and Anna said a kitty party so Debbie created a party around kitties. Anna had 3 little friends come to the party and of course her sister was part of it too. As each little girl came in they picked out a little kitty that would be theirs, from the adoption center - then they went to a station that was set up like a bath area and they cleaned their kitty's (by the way, these were stuffed kitty's) they they went on to "Kitty Doctor Kaitlyn" to examine the kitties. The girls all made collars for their kitties and played all kinds of fun kitty games. Here are a few pictures of a wonderful and fun day.
Oh I must mention that Mango my "real" kitty was the host for the party!

The Adoption Center

The Host Kitty!

The birthday table

The Kitty plate (Debbie made these!)

Cleaning the Kitty's

Doctor Kaitlyn is ready for business!

Mommy and Nana (I'm writing out the adoption certificates)

making the kitty collars

Ending the day in the playroom.

HOPE

2010-10-08T06:21:00.000-07:00

My FAVORITE word! HOPE...... in fact I have this word all over my house - it's kind of like the 'hidden mickeys" at Disney World. :)

A few months ago I had the opportunity to go to Washington state to see my Sister and her family. I was having a conversation with my niece Ginger and somehow we got on the subject of HOPE and she was telling me how she has been reading about HOPE and how it can make such a difference in how we maneuver through difficult situations. She sent me an article recently and I am going to share the basic concepts of it in today's post. The way the author categorized the way hope can be applied to a situation was something I haven't seen before. So here it is - I have reworded, added the definitions and paraphrased it some but the basic content is the same. This was a article written by David B. Ward.

Hope

Hope: a belief and feeling that a desired outcome is possible.

Foundations of Hope

1. Your belief (faith) and feelings that you have options to choose from to achieve your desired outcome.

2.Your belief (faith) that you are willing and able to act on those options

3. By the evidence you have that the desired outcome is possible (past experience, other peoples experience)

4.The feeling of connection to others who support or help you achieve the desired outcome. (other people, God)

Applying Hope to Your Situation:

1.How you view your situation, particularly the obstacles that stand in your way. Your view of the obstacles often determines perception of your options. Conclusion: Look at what your obstacles are and how to remove them or work around them. Look at your situation as an opportunity to grow.

2.Having a time frame in place to work on a desired outcome with an attitude of hope. Putting energy into action that will make our goal more possible instead of spending time debating in our minds whether the goal is possible. Conclusion: commit to a certain amount of time and put your energy into moving toward your goal.

3.Actively look for and seek out evidence that you can achieve your desired outcome. Conclusion: Sometimes this will come as you tell others about your hopes, as your research this subject or look at what God’s word says.

4.Having a greater connection with people who support you goals or can help you achieve your goals. Conclusion: build into your week connecting rituals. Weekly times of connecting with those who support you.

In Summary, HOPE can prevail as we discover options, work toward action, remember evidence and create connections.

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. Hebrews 11:1

REAL Fall!

2010-10-04T13:18:00.000-07:00

Dollywood

Well, I've been gone again for a week. Honestly, this doesn't usually happen but we had 2 vacations this year very close together. As I posted earlier in the month we had a great Alaska vacation but our family tradition goes on no matter what other plans there may be so this week we went on our Annual North Carolina Vacation. This is something that we have done as a family since my daughter Debbie was 3 years old and she is in her early 30's now...very early 30's :)

Anyway, we have gone almost every year since then - which would be about 1981 to Maggie Valley N.C. with few exceptionS. This is the 4th year we have gone with our daughter and her family. We are hoping for our son Johnny and his family to be with us next year.

If you really love family movies here is a link to see a movie I put together but I will warn you it's long! :)

http://gallery.me.com/katcu7/100693

And just in case you don't want to watch my longgggg family movie here are a few pictures of our week. Back to Life Coaching tomorrow!

At the Candy Store at Mast General - we are in heaven!!

Our little cowgirls

Trying on hats

Apples, Apples, Apples!!

Me and my best buddy!

Beautiful Falls in Deep Creek

Helping Papa feed the birds

Just doesn't get any cuter than this!

Me and my hubby!

We even met some famous people there!

All wet from the boat ride but having lots of fun

Papa and Kaitlyn....priceless

HAPPY FALL!!!!!

Happy Fall!!!!!!

2010-09-22T05:01:00.000-07:00

Today is it!!! It is the first day of FALLLLLLLLLL! Yes, even in Florida there is a slight change to the weather. I'm sure even more so in other parts of the country. I have my home totally transformed to fall and I am pretending there are mountains and cold air outside. :)

Why do I love fall so much. It started as a little girl who was raised in Pennsylvania. After a hot summer of July and August you would begin to feel the slight change in the air and you could almost smell fall coming. My mom would begin her canning during that time and we would buy buckets of apples from a local market to make pies. We would also go out into the woods and country areas to gather black walnuts. These are walnuts that fall on the ground in the fall, you dry them out and in the drying process they have a tar like coating on them that eventually drys off. They have the most unique taste of all the nuts. My mom would make black walnut cake and put them on ice cream and sometime we would just eat them by themselves. Oh the wonderful memories of fall! Of course, in Pa the leaves would change and it was so beautiful to see all the colors, the reds, yellows and oranges. The pumpkins would begin to pop up everywhere and of course my mom would make homemade pumpkin pie! It was many times during the fall that my brother and sister would occasionally let me go on a hike with them. :) One of my best memories of fall was walking home from school on a crisp cool day and seeing the windows of our house all foggy - I knew my mom was making homemade soup and bread for dinner. Yum. (have you noticed how much food is involved in my fall memories?) As I got older and moved to Florida - most years we have vacationed in North Carolina in the fall just to get a hint of "real" fall each year.

So I just wanted to dedicate this blog post to my favorite time of the year - FALL

How Our Culture Influences Us

2010-09-17T05:08:00.000-07:00

Today we will go to a more serious subject than vacations. As I noted in a previous blog, after I came back from my vacation I then had the opportunity to do a breakout session at my church's ladies retreat. Well, normally I choose my own topic but they asked me to specifically speak on a subject so I thought I would blog about some of my findings as I prepared for this talk.

It was not a talk that everyone flocked to, in fact I was expecting about 2 people, as the first two ladies came in I told them they may be the only ones. :) I ended up with 20 ladies. God took over as He has to anytime I do anything because he and I both know I do not have the ability in myself to pull these things off.

The topic I was asked to speak on was, Sexual Healing. For anyone that has abuse, trauma or misuse in their past or present. There is so much to that subject but the thing I wanted to share today was an article I found that I felt so describes and confirmed how controlled we are by our culture.

I knew the majority of ladies that would come to my talk would be probably in their 20 and 30s so I learned a long time ago just telling them what the bible says and listing a bunch of rules doesn't work so I wanted to find a way to help them understand that the sexual choices they are making are not their own, they are not more current and relevant than previous generations - they have just grown up in a culture that has influenced them more in this area. And in fact it has not been their choice - they have been controlled.

We really can look at this in many areas of our lives and as Christians may need to ask some hard questions - such as I am being controlled by the culture in this area (whatever that may be for you) of my life or I am following God's Word.

So here is the article - it is from the August 2010 Psychology Today - (not a christian magazine)

"If you don't think our culture controls you, try to break it's unwritten rules: At the crowded restaurant, eat a banana horizontally, as if it were corn on the cob; or join the nice couple in the booth at Wendy's --it's not illegal! The booth is a public place and there is room for 4. But you wont's do it. Why? Because society says so.

Society has its prints all over your sexual script. The idea of a boyfriend, for starters is a cultural invention. What you find attractive is culturally taught. Americans like deodorant. But the French may prefer body odor. Napoleon famously wrote to Josephine: "Coming home soon. Don't bath"

How, where, when, and with whom you have sex are culturally shaped decisions. Culture made them for you while you thought you made them yourself. Around the world today there are cultures that frown on kissing, and cultures that kiss constantly. There are cultures where you get married at 12; cultures where marriage is almost and afterthought; cultures where young people select their won mates through the ritual of dating and cultures where nobody is allowed to see a naked female, ever; and cultures where females walk around half naked as a matter of course.

The things you take to be natural are in fact mostly cultural. The things you take as your own tastes are to a large measure cultural tastes."

I think this is a good way to help young women really examine what they are going to allow to control them. To realize that choices they think they are making are really not their choices at all but the control of the culture. If you know of anyone that is struggling with these issues you may share this with them. The main point being that we need to have a guide for right and wrong or what is best for us as women or people and the culture is not going to do that for us.

"And you will know the truth and the truth will set you free." John 8:32

Alaska

2010-09-14T18:29:00.000-07:00

Yes, if you guessed Alaska from the picture on my last post, you are right. We went on an Alaskan Cruise and spent a couple days in Seattle with our family in WA State.

I have always wanted to go to Alaska, in fact I wanted to live there. You can ask my sister Betsy, when we were both at home in Pennsylvania I always hated the summers and she loved them. I always loved the winters and she hated them. So we would always say that she would move to Florida and I would move to Alaska. Well, at least one of us met our goal. :-) I really try not to complain, but really, for a Pennsylvania girl whose favorite season is fall first and winter second and wanted to live in Alaska it does seem a little cruel that I ended up in one of the hottest states in the country - FLORIDA.

Anyway, back to the vacation - I will share some pictures but some of the best parts were when we arrived at Tracey Arm Fjord. It is basically a melted glacier and big chunks of ice are everywhere. The other was just being with our family during the trip that really made it even better and last but not least was having the opportunity to reconnect with some of our family in WA state. they were so gracious and hospitable and we just had a great time with them. So here are a few pictures:

Me and My Sweet Brother George (this is at the Fjord)

this huge boat was going in the narrow passageway of mountains and glaciers

Ice chunks from the glacier

You can't go to Alaska without saying hello to Sarah!

Skagway, Alaska - everything grows so beautifully there

Some great traveling companions :)

Me and my hubby in front of a glacier in Juneau, AK

You can't show cruise pics without one of a towel animal!

Ketichikan, AK

Hubby and his mom.

My brother George, sister Pat, niece Ginger and me - Oh and of course STARBUCKS!!

(We missed you Betsy!)

Brother George, Hubby, Brian (Gingers hubby) Nephew Larry and Great nephew Jacob

Wild Salmon from Washington State!

"For the Lord is good, His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation." Psalm 100:5

I'm Back!!

2010-09-13T09:00:00.000-07:00

Guess where I was......

Yes, I am finally back and I know all my 2 readers are so excited about that! :) I know I said I would be taking a 2 week break that turned into a 3 week break but there have been a few complications.

My first 2 weeks were because I was on a wonderful vacation that was such a blessing in so many ways. Then I came back last Thursday - had jet lag for 2 or 3 days then needed to prepare for a ladies retreat breakout session. That took my all of the next week. The ladies retreat was this last weekend and it was also a great blessing. We then had some our family over for dinner on Sunday which continued to keep me busy but it was nice busy, fun busy - we had a great time.

So today is my catch up day. I have so many things I want to get done that I am getting nothing done. :) Have you ever done that - just have so much to do that you seem to be running in circles. Well, I am determined to at least write a few words on my blog today so here I am!

Because I must get some other stuff done I am just saying hello but tomorrow I do plan to start to do a few blogs about the vacation, the retreat and the fact that my very favorite season is almost here!!!!!

FALLLLLLLL - I already have my fall decorations down from the attic and hope to tackle some of that today....I LOVE FALL - I am already feeling happier!!!! I don't care if it is 95 degrees outside we are only 9 days away from the first day of fall and I am going to pretend that on that day it will be cooler!

So til tomorrow - be blessed and get you fall decorations out!!

Playroom on a budget

2010-08-20T08:04:00.000-07:00

I decided to take a break from the serious stuff today and share some fun stuff I've been doing. As you know if you read my blog very often I have 3 sweet adorable grandkids, two girls ages 3 and 6 and a boy age 5.

Since our son got married and moved out we have an extra room and decided to turn it into a playroom for the kids. Hubby wanted to keep the costs down and I wanted it to be very very fun and colorful so we came up with a plan and here are the results. I wish I had taken a before picture.

Through this process I have come to love Ikea for all the unique kids stuff they have. If you notice the swing in the first picture that was one of the great things we found. We decided to go with a park theme. So we have a tree, a picnic bench and all kinds of cats and dogs. (yes I even let the dogs be part of the scene) :)

We took off the closet doors and make an arts and crafts room out of the closet. We still need to add shelves but it's almost done. I got the table idea from Ikea and the hanging pockets were only $6.99 each.

The shelving was on sale at Target and of course we had to have everyones names on the wall. :)

This was my last find at Ikea - perfect a big leaf to hang over the bed and those are my two cute little lady bugs sitting under the leaf!

Poor Matty is a little out numbered but he still has a good time with the girls. He always gets to be the one rescuing someone when they are playing. This is the picnic table under the tree. This is where they play games together and eat their snacks and lunches.

The rug is suppose to be grass. :) Anna has all her houses set out to make a little neighborhood and Mathew and Kaitlyn are playing a game. Thank you to Edma and Hennie for donating a TV to the cause! That is what they are looking at . It is a TV with a VHS in it which is perfect because I can find all the favoritie kids videos on VHS for $1.

Oh and last but certainly not least hubby put in the flooring which of course saved us a bunch of money. It was so much fun putting it all together but even more fun to see them all enjoy it and feel they have a little place of their own when they come to our house.

I'm going to take a Blog Break for a couple weeks but I'll be back!

"Enjoy the good life every day of your life.
And enjoy your grandchildren. " (The Message revised)
Psalm 128:6

Friendships Among Women - A Giver and A Taker

2010-08-17T14:25:00.000-07:00

This is our final post on friendships among women. Today is the 5th way to improve your friendships. So just to recap here are the five ways to improve your friendships:

1. Don't expect one friend to meet all your needs.
2. Be a happy and positive friend
3. Be a genuine sounding board
4. Be a trustworthy friend
5. Be a giver and a taker kind of friend

Being a giver and a taker in friendship
True friendship as with most relationships should be a give and take of emotional support, practical support and camaraderie. If you are in a pinch, asking a friend to help should be easy and comfortable.

A friendship will occasionally become lopsided now that then to to circumstances and need but the regular flow of a healthy friendship should be one of give and take.

Unfortunately, there are friends who will drain you - some call these emotional vampires - they come to you for support, favors and everything else without ever offering the same in return. These type of friends will take advantage of your kindness and never stop to offer a helping hand when you need one. In fact, they will make you feel as though they are inconvenienced if you ever ask them to help in the smallest way.

We never should keep score in a friendship but it is NOT acceptable to always be the one who is giving and it is NOT acceptable to always be the one who is taking either. There should be a healthy balance for a friendship to truly be a friendship worth investing into.

We need to look at ourselves and make sure we are not guilty of taking without giving and of getting so involved in our own lives and trials that we forget to reach out to a friend that is going through something. On the other hand we also need to be a friend that can receive without feeling like we have to do something in return. Like everything in life it's balance and that is when a friendship is at it's best.

Friendships Among Women - Being a Trusted Friend

2010-08-12T05:25:00.000-07:00

Ok just 2 more tips on how to improve your friendships!

Tip number 4 probably should be tip number 1 because I do believe it is the most important one. Without this one the friendship will definitely suffer if it even lasts.

Tip number four for improving your friendships:

4. Being a Trustworthy Friend - So what does this mean? What is Trust in a relationship?

Well, of course there is the obvious of not telling a secret or confidence of a friend, but trust goes must deeper than that. Here are a few elements of trust that we may not always think about but are just as important as keeping in confidence the things our friends share with us.

a. Being a reliable person - Being a person that can be counted on. Whether it's keeping a commitment, being available as much as possible if a friend is in crisis or even just giving a friend a ride to pick up a car at the shop.

b. Showing respect - respect for another person is not repeating information that is private or embarrassing. Being the kind of person that a friend could share their deepest fears, worries, life experiences and not worry that it will come out later or be used against them. Confidences shared between friends are to be respected.

Another aspect of respect is not talking about a friend when they are not with you - gossiping about them or saying anything that you would not say if they were there. Be a kind of person that if a friend shares a hurt or a fear they never have to worry about what you will do with that information.

c. Be kind - as you get to know a person and that relationship turns into a friendship we need to be careful not to use the other persons insecurities as ammunition against them even if we become angry. A true friend protects, not harms.

d. Be honest - This is sometimes the hardest of all the points of trustworthiness. Being a friend that will speak the truth in love. Sometimes we see a friend making bad choices and we don't want to hurt the friendship so we don't speak up or we actually tell them they are right when we know they are not.
This of course has to be done in a very mature and appropriate manner but the people who truly care about us will correct us if we are getting off track because they know in the long run they are helping us.

e. Be will to extend trust - trust goes two ways - that means that if your friend is willing to vulnerable with you, share hurts, fears and insecurities, then you need to be open to them. There are always areas that we may feel we need to protect and that is ok but I am talking about the everyday life stuff. Not just looking like we have it all together and our friend is always in need. Just being transparent.

If we have been hurt alot in life it is hard sometimes to trust and trust does need to be earned. This is something that takes time but if you are a trustworthy friend you will be rewarded with trustworthy friendships and loads of respect.

Proverbs 17:9
He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.

Friendships Among Women - a Genuine Sounding Board

2010-08-06T19:06:00.000-07:00

Our 3rd tip to improving your friendships is to be a "Genuine Sounding Board"

3. Be a "Sounding Board" for a friend, in other words be a good listener

Taking a genuine interest in what others have to say and really listening to someone is important in developing solid relationships. Letting go of the “me, me, me” and focusing on the other person not only makes the other person feel valued and appreciated, but they feel that they can really talk to someone who cares. Those who take the time to really listen to our thoughts and feelings, and then help us work through difficult times and situations, share our lives at a much deeper level than those who don’t. This is what being a good friend is all about.

Here are some tips on being a better listener for your friends:
Be an active listener - be fully aware of the other person paying attention to their words and their body language without "zoning out." The active listener is listening attentively and trying to clarify and commit to short term memory the key points being expressed.

There are other skills which can be used to help you be a better listener:

Clarifying – If you don't understand what has been said it is necessary to check by asking for clarification.
Minimal "encouragers" – These are the nods and "mmmm" noises that one makes when chatting with people to let them know one is listening
Reflecting – From time to time reflect back the important facts or feelings.
Challenging – This skill can be used when there is a mismatch between what the person is saying and their body language, e.g. somebody says they are really happy, but they actually look miserable. Challenging is also used when people are saying things that are contradictory. It is a skill that is used with respect – it is not the same as criticism.
Good body language – Leaning slightly towards the other party can indicate that they are being listened to – just as looking away or glancing at one's watch would tell them that one isn't actually there for them. (this also means not playing with your phone while someone is talking)
Be open and non judgmental - this encourages people to feel free to say whatever they need to without fearing an adverse reaction

I think it is getting more and more difficult for us to be good listeners in our society as we have so many distractions. As with our last tip, being a happy positive friend, this one is also a learned skill that we need to practice and be aware of. Think about how we like others to respond to us and you will have a pretty good idea of what you need to do.

Friendships Among Women - Being a HAPPY Friend

2010-08-04T04:53:00.000-07:00

We are continuing on in our series on Friendships Among Women - We are looking at 5 tips to improve your friendships. So here is step 2:

2. Be a Happy and Positive Person:

In a study that looked at the happiness of nearly 5000 individuals over a period of twenty years, researchers found that when an individual becomes happy, the network effect can be measured up to three degrees. One person's happiness triggers a chain reaction that benefits not only their friends, but their friends' friends, and their friends' friends' friends. The effect lasts for up to one year.

These effects are limited by both time and space. The closer a friend lives to you, the stronger the emotional contagion. But as distance increases, the effect dissipates.

So be a Tigger not an Eeyore friend - According to the study people are 15% more likely to be happy if a friend is happy, 10% more likely to be happy if a friend of a friend is happy, and 6% more likely if to be happy if a friend of a friend of a friend is happy. In other words, be a happy person and you will affect all those around you especially your friends and your family.

Remember "happiness is a choice" and you will find even in the most difficult of circumstances you can stay mostly happy and positive. Now I realize we all have times of grief and for periods of time and times of crisis and tragedy that is normal and healthy but what we are talking about here are the everyday challenges of life. For some of us those everyday challenges are very big but we still have a choice as to how we react to those times.

One of the best gifts we can give our friendships is a happy and positive attitude. It will make you a person that people want to be with and your attitude will spread to your friends giving them a higher degree of happiness.

Happiness and being positive is a learned behavior. I spent years being a negative person, complaining and discontent. It was actually during the worst times of my life that I finally realized that I do have a choice to be happy and that my circumstances do not have to dictate my moods and my attitudes. Of course, I believe it was God that has given me the peace and the happiness that I can now most of the time live my life in but as with most things in life, WE have to take the first step and do our part before God can do His. So I had to choose to speak positively, I had to choose to trust God and to put my trust and hope in Him, I had to choose to be happy in the morning when I woke up and realized all the difficult things in my life were still there. At first it's hard but then after time it become a habit and it becomes part of your thinking process.

Again, we all have time we need to vent and get our feelings out - so do that - talk it out with a friend, journal your feelings but then get up and choose to be happy.

Ecclesiastes 3:12
I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live.

Friendships Among Women - Improving Friendships

2010-07-26T05:53:00.000-07:00

Today we will start look at 5 tips that will improve your friendships. We will focus on one each day because each is a post in itself.

As I write these tips I do want to make note of the personality aspect of friendship. This is a link to my personality post to help you understand what your unique personality is. Go to http://kathysthots.blogspot.com/2009/06/four-basic-personality-types.html

I do want to clarify that some personality types need and do better with less friends than others so as write this I do want to clarify that I am not advocating that everyone has to have 20 friends to be a balanced person. Some personality types do very well with 2 or 3 really close friends and some do really well with 10 or more really close friends. That is just all about how God made us and it is good however that may work for you.

The point of this post is to encourage various types of friendship with other women - always remember some will be closer than others but they all hold great value - these may and probably will include your mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, sis -in -laws, nieces, cousins and any other female family member you can think of because the best kind of family are the ones you actually can call your friends.

So enough about that - Tip Number One:

1. Don't expect one friend to meet all your needs.

In their book, What Every Mom Needs, Elisa Morgan and Carol Kuykendall wrote, "...just as no marriage can meet our every need for intimacy, neither can a single friendship." It is important to realize that one person can not meet all our needs for friendship. When we look to one friend to meet all of our friendship needs we could run the risk of becoming too dependent on that friendship. This could lead to high expectations that we talked about previously that are friendship destroyers. We can become clingy and needy which also will eventually lead to the destruction of most relationships. When these traits begin to be part of a friendship it can suffocate a person allowing no room for the relationship to grow and develop in a healthy manner.

Just like any other relationship in our life, to really keep a friend we must be willing to let her go, giving room to be who she is. Do not hold on too tightly to a friend. We can do this by allowing and developing different types of friendships in our life. You will find that each friend offers something unique that can bring different interests, ways of thinking and expand our world. Having many different friends also allows us to grow in different areas of our personality. While one friend may share an interest and love for reading, another may love to go shopping or have a garden. I have some friends that we are tied together by our love of ministry, some who love to play board games (one of my favorite things to do!), some are family that we have a long rich history together and some we connected long ago over similar circumstances and have since developed a safe and secure friendship that only life's journey together can create.

Each friend offers a different adventure to share.

1 Peter 4:80
"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."

Friendships Among Women - Ending Friendships

2010-07-23T19:48:00.000-07:00

Ending a Friendship

This is a hard post to write on friendship but it is a reality of life that we have all experienced at one time or another. Not every friendship in your life will last a lifetime. Some friendships will last through all the changes and seasons of life and some will not. That doesn't mean the ones that don't weren't necessary or important, they were there for the season they were needed. Many of us are able to keep a few friends from our childhood, but this can be difficult as we get older. Distance can cause a friendship to fade, as can change of circumstances in our lives. Sometimes we just grow apart.

It's not always a negative thing to end a friendship, sometimes it just happens naturally over time. Other times, the friendship ends because of a disagreement or a major change in life. Sometimes a friendship can become unhealthy and negative. There are friends that tend to be users, or overly negative or in a perpetual crisis. Over time these types of friends will wear on us. When a friend starts taking away from your happiness and creating more stress, it could be a sign you need to end or distance the relationship.

Some of your friendships will inevitably change over time. The path your life takes will determine the friends you keep and the friends you must say good-bye to.

There was a poem that circulated for awhile that talked about this and I really believe it is true. So when you look at friendships from this perspective you never have to feel it was wasted or shouldn't have been but that some friends are for a reason, some for a season and some for a lifetime. But you always will learn something from them all.

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

— Unknown

Friendships Among Women - Maintaining Friendships

2010-07-22T04:20:00.000-07:00

Maintaining Friendships

Once the initial trust is felt between two women, the friendship can progress to the next stage, and that is working to maintain the friendship. In today’s hectic lifestyle, it seems that friendships of women are often placed to the wayside because of career, family or other pressing responsibilities. But what many women fail to acknowledge is that a friendship can help you get through life, causing a reduction in the amount of stress you feel on a daily basis, as we talked about a few posts ago.

Aside from the scientific reasons behind friendships of women, building and maintaining friendships is accomplished because both parties choose to work at the relationship. Much like a relationship with your spouse, friendships need the some of the same nurturing to survive. This can be easily accomplished by meeting for lunch or coffee once a month or a phone call. Maintaining a sense of connection can even be achieved in most cases through email, facebook and an occasional card sent in the mail. The main thing is to give that call or message when you know that friend is going through a struggle or has a special event in their lives. These are the practical things to do but what about the emotional parts?

Here are some suggestions

1. Be Flexible
A pastor offered this advice. He said, "Expect nothing from other people." This may seem like a strange idea. It seems that if you expected nothing, you would get what you expected. But the fact is that while we do need to set reasonable goals for our self, we will do well to keep our expectations for others modest. If we can break free from high expectations for others, than we are more likely to be able to accept — and enjoy — them as they are.

Perhaps the quickest way to kill a new friendship is to expect — or demand — too much. We women have a tendency toward expectations and when we let go of them whether with our husbands or friends we will be happier people and better friends. If you can lower your expectations, not only are you likely to reduce your own frustration, but you might be able to better see the other person's gifts, which may be much different than our own. Sometimes our own expectations blind us to the gift before us. We become so focused on what we want — or what we imagine we need — that we miss what the other person has to offer. We sometimes expect our friends to think and react like us but that is what makes friendships so fun - learning different ways of doing things and a different perspective from someone we love and trust but may be very different than us.

Often things are more than they appear at first glance — and it is often this way with relationships. If you can take a step back and allow a friendship to unfold on its own terms, you may be pleasantly surprised.

2. Enjoy Your Differences and be Transparent
It becomes more possible to weather another person's shortcomings when you're able to see their strengths. We can tell that a friendship is growing when we begin to genuinely enjoy another person's gifts — not feel threatened or envious of them.

Why do some people provoke envy while others — even extremely talented people — don't. It might have something to do with transparency. The more deeply we know another person's secret hopes and struggles — and the more we can identify with them— we are less likely to envy them, the more we want to see them succeed.

As we get closer to people the less inclined we are to jump to simple conclusions about their life and struggles (or how we might fix them). And the more open another person is with us, the more clearly we can see the truth of Plato's saying, "Be kind to everyone you meet, for everyone is waging a terrible internal battle."

3. Always Growing
Friendships do not say the same. They change and grow as we do — The twists and turns of life keep friendship fresh, even as the years wear on.

Some of our deepest friendships offer a sense of continual discovery and newness, but they can also provide a sense of consistency during years of change. When we are around long term, established friends — those who know our history, faults and failings and love us anyway — we feel safe and secure. And this is what friends do best — they see us, fragile and fault filled as we are, and yet they see the good in us and the hope that is ours whatever our situation.

Proverbs17:17 NIV
"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity."

Friendships Among Women - Building Friendships

2010-07-19T05:10:00.000-07:00

There is some sad news for friendships in this era. A 2006 study from Duke University and the University of Arizona showed that Americans have almost one-third fewer confidants than they did in the 1980s, Another disheartening statistic was that there are now twice as many people who report not having any close friends to share their problems with.

Lynn Smith-Lovin, one of the authors of the report told physOrg.cm, "This change indicates something that is not good for our society. Ties with a close network of people create a safety net."

Perhaps an important question to ask is: How does one build and maintain a friendship?

Interestingly, building friendships can be just as complicated as maintaining friendships. In some cases, it may be more complicated to build the friendship than it is to keep it going over time. Meeting someone new is often an awkward situation, especially in regards to friendships of women. You don’t know how the other person is going to respond to you, and you fear rejection. You may begin the conversation with a comment about the weather or about an article of clothing the woman is wearing, but there is no depth at this point in the friendship. Depth takes trust and it takes time when it comes to friendships of women.

According to CyberParent.com All friendships of women must start with a period of putting yourself emotionally out on a limb. Depending on your personality and the personality of the woman you are meeting, self-disclosure can occur over several meetings. Human beings tend to put up an emotional walls to protect them from being hurt or embarrassed by another person. When two women are meeting each other for the first time, a period of evaluation and assessment can occur. It doesn’t matter how young or old the woman is, because the friendship of women begins like this even on a school’s playground.

What usually sparks the flame of a friendship between two females is the ability to actively listen to one another. When you feel like you are being completely understood by the person you are talking to, it becomes easier to break down the protective walls around your emotions. The conversation starts to flow effortlessly and you begin to make connections over similar things in your life. Once that initial sense of trust is established, the friendship can begin to blossom.

ChangingMinds.org explains that another reason the friendship of women begins is that two people are experiencing similar things at a certain point in their life. You can easily see this when women start to have families, and are thrown into social settings with other moms. You begin to swap various tips and suggestions about raising kids and before long, you are inviting each other over to the house for coffee. Friendships are often began and solidified because of the similarities you share with another woman, especially if your social paths cross often.

As I contemplated this information I realized how true it is. We can all remember as teens and young adults how our friendships usually evolved from commonality. We were in the same class, same neighborhood and had some similar interests, as we began to have families we connected with the women who had children the same age as ours or the same church or work place.

As the studies also said after an initial time of assessing each other and deciding if we can trust this person we usually begin to open up more and more and become more vulnerable with each other. If that other women was worthy of our trust, held our confidences and didn't judge us then the friendship continued to grow and flourish.

The wonderful thing I have found with friendships among women is that although we start with a common interest, social gathering or work, once the friendship is established those things may change but the friendship continues.

Next post we will talk about the difference types of friendships we have as women.

"Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up."

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

I am Blessed!

2010-07-19T05:01:00.001-07:00

I am going to do two posts today. The next one will be continuing my Friendship blog series but I did want to take a moment to express my graditude to first of all my God who blessed me abundantly this weekend and to everyone who took the time to send out a birthday wish.

It was so appropriate as I am writing this blog on friendship to experience the blessings of friendship. Now I will admit I am a "Sanquine" personality so I probably tend to need a little more attention on my birthday than my "Melancholy" friends. :)

So thank you to everyone who send a card, an e-card, an e-mail or a facebook message. You made my day even better!!!

It was also me and my hubbys 35th anniversary (yes, we got married the day after my birthday) (bad decision) so it was a weekend of all kinds of celebration.

I also got to spend time this weekend with my kids and grandkids and that was the cherry on the top! :)

Now on to Friendship!

Friendships Among Women - Scientific Study

2010-07-14T04:27:00.000-07:00

As we are doing a series on Friendships Among Women I found this study that I thought was so interesting but not surprising - it just confirms what most of us already know.

An alternative to fight or flight. A landmark UCLA study suggests friendships between women are special. They shape who we are and who we are yet to be. They soothe our tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage, and help us remember who we really are. By the way, they may do even more.

Scientists now suspect that hanging out with our friends can actually counteract the kind of stomach-quivering stress most of us experience on a daily basis. A landmark UCLA study suggests that women respond to stress with a cascade of brain chemicals that cause us to make and maintain friendships with other women. It's a stunning find that has turned five decades of stress research---most of it on men---upside down.

Until this study was published, scientists generally believed that when people experience stress, they trigger a hormonal cascade that revs the body to either stand and fight or flee as fast as possible, explains Laura Cousin Klein, Ph.D., now an Assistant Professor of Biobehavioral Health at Penn State University and one of the study's authors. It's an ancient survival mechanism left over from the time we were chased across the planet by saber-toothed tigers.

Now the researchers suspect that women have a larger behavioral repertoire than just fight or flight; In fact, says Dr. Klein, it seems that when the hormone oxytocin is release as part of the stress responses in a woman, it buffers the fight or flight response and encourages her to tend children and gather with other women instead. When she actually engages in this tending or befriending, studies suggest that more oxytocin is released, which further counters stress and produces a calming effect. This calming response does not occur in men, says Dr. Klein, because testosterone---which men produce in high levels when they're under stress---seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin. Estrogen, she adds, seems to enhance it.

The discovery that women respond to stress differently than men was made in a classic "aha" moment shared by two women scientists who were talking one day in a lab at UCLA. There was this joke that when the women who worked in the lab were stressed, they came in, cleaned the lab, had coffee, and bonded, says Dr. Klein. When the men were stressed, they holed up somewhere on their own. I commented one day to fellow researcher Shelley Taylor that nearly 90% of the stress research is on males. I showed her the data from my lab, and the two of us knew instantly that we were onto something.

The women cleared their schedules and started meeting with one scientist after another from various research specialties. Very quickly, Drs. Klein and Taylor discovered that by not including women in stress research, scientists had made a huge mistake: The fact that women respond to stress differently than men has significant implications for our health.

It may take some time for new studies to reveal all the ways that oxytocin encourages us to care for children and hang out with other women, but the "tend and befriend" notion developed by Drs. Klein and Taylor may explain why women consistently outlive men. Study after study has found that social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rate, and cholesterol. There's no doubt, says Dr. Klein, that friends are helping us live longer.
In one study, for example, researchers found that people who had no friends increased their risk of death over a 6-month period. In another study, those who had the most friends over a 9-year period cut their risk of death by more than 60%.

Friends are also helping us live better. The famed Nurses' Health Study from Harvard Medical School found that the more friends women had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they aged, and the more likely they were to be leading a joyful life. In fact, the results were so significant, the researchers concluded, that not having close friends or confidants was as detrimental to your health as smoking or carrying extra weight.

And that's not all. When the researchers looked at how well the women functioned after the death of their spouse, they found that even in the face of this biggest stressor of all, those women who had a close friend and confidante were more likely to survive the experience without any new physical impairments or permanent loss of vitality. Those without friends were not always so fortunate. Yet if friends counter the stress that seems to swallow up so much of our life these days, if they keep us healthy and even add years to our life, why is it so hard to find time to be with them? That's a question that also troubles researcher Ruthellen Josselson, Ph.D., co-author of Best Friends: The Pleasures and Perils of Girls' and Women's Friendships (Three Rivers Press, 1998). The following paragraph is, in my opinion, very, very true and something all women should be aware of and NOT put our female friends on the back burners.

Every time we get overly busy with work and family, the first thing we do is let go of friendships with other women, explains Dr. Josselson. We push them right to the back burner. That's really a mistake because women are such a source of strength to each other. We nurture one another. And we need to have unpressured space in which we can do the special kind of talk that women do when they're with other women. It's a very healing experience.
©2002 Gale Berkowitz

So call, email or text a girlfriend today and make a date for some "unpressured space!"

Friendships Among Women

2010-07-12T05:07:00.001-07:00

I'm going to start a new series today on "Friendships Among Women." I'm not sure how long it will be - maybe 2 posts maybe 20 it all depends on when I run out of information.

I have been pondering on this subject lately for a couple reasons. The first reason is that I have realized this year (almost my 53rd year of life) that one of the greatest (and I did say one, as there are many others) blessings in my life are my friendships with other women.

The second reason is that someone asked me very recently to share how I cultivate the relationships in my life and I was stumped, I never thought about it. I guess I just thought it just happened. Well, that questions stuck with me and I began to realize that it hasn't always been like this, about 9 years ago I went through a period of time that I literally did not have a close friend. I was lonely. I had forgotten about that time in my life until this question was asked.

I began to look back at some old journals I have - and believe me - I am not a consistent journaler but I do have at least a couple entries a year and they are usually at times when I am not in a good place.

So I found an entry from June 11, 2002 and this is what it said, "I don't have any true friends, the ones I have had have, we have moved apart. I have prayed for a friend that I can talk to, laugh with, enjoy being with. Of course I have my wonderful guy, but sometimes you just want and need to talk or hang out with a girl friend. Lord, I pray for you to send me a friend, someone that I can have understanding with and can grow in you with."

I had totally forgotten about that time but as I read the journal it all came back. I remember feeling so lonely, even at events with large amount of people I felt alone.

I began to ponder what happened, what changed how did I go from that very alone place to where I am now - a place of being truly blessed with incredible women and friendships in my life.

So that is where we are going with this blog series. I am going to try to uncover why we as women need friends, how do we find those women who are just the right connection for us and how do we maintain these friendships once we have them. We are going to talk about what qualities we need to develop in our lives to be someone that others want as a friend. I also have found some really fun and interesting scientific studies that have been done on friendships among women that I will share.

I do want to say thank you to every women in my life, my family girls, my prayer partners, my life coach buddies and individual friends that input so much into my life - you know who you are. God truly answered that prayer from 9 years ago when I asked for a friend to talk to, laugh with and hang with. He answered me abundantly but he also required something from me and that it what we are going to explore together.

If you are in a place of lonliness as I was 9 years ago, don't give up hope. God is doing a work in you and when you are ready He will flood your gates with all the wonderful relationships you can handle!

As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend. Proverbs 27:17 (New Living Translation)