Most families have some sort of harmful patterns in them. We aren't perfect people, and we usually pass these behaviors from generation to generation with out even realizing it. We can't really blame anyone because these patterns usually started so far back in our family that when we really examine our family we will see our parents probably had parents that had alot of destructive behavior because their parents had them and on and on. And most people from the earlier generations didn't talk about such things, they didn't have all the resources we have to heal and change and become free of these patterns. So I never blame anyone for the patterns that came to me through my family line because as I have looked at it I totally understand and only feel gratitude for the good things that did come through and the positive changes they did make.
So how do we really begin to recognize what those patterns are that we may need to change in our lives so this destructive behavior does not keep being passed down? One way is of course to just look at some areas in which we struggle and know it isn't healthy behavior but unfortunately we tend to have alot of blind spots and denial in most of us.
So the best way to look at truth and reality is to see it in black and white. A tool I use with many of my clients to do this is called a genogram. It is basically constructing your family tree on paper but once you have all the people in place - probably going to at least grandparents - you then write down the patterns that you know of next to the name of each person - you will continue to do this throughout the genogram until you get to YOU. Then you list beside your name all the things you can see that are now still part of your behavioral pattens. Now a great thing to do is later to put all the positives but for purposes of changing behavior you do focus on the negatives for now.
Here is an example of what it may look like:
There is something about seeing a BIG picture in black in white that brings reality into our thinking.
So now you can get depressed about your family or you can be really happy that you can change all those destructive patterns for yourself and your descendants. Lack of knowledge and understanding doesn't improve our lives but understanding fully why we do what we do and realizing we have the ability through Jesus to change those patterns in our lives and in doing so it will set a new pattern for everyone else. This is exciting stuff!!!
It doesn't matter what season of life you are in or how old - it is never too early or too late to bring positive, healthy change into our lives.
Next Post: Some common patterns in families that might not be so obvious.