According to William Harley in his book "Lovebusters" there are 4 types of Dishonesty:
- looking good
- avoiding trouble
Protection: This is a type of dishonesty that can be very prevalent in marriage. It is when with the best of intentions we are trying to protect each other from unpleasant information. It's withholding true feelings to avoid upsetting the other person. Harley call this a "protective liar"
The problem with this is it does not protect but denies a spouse information they need to keep the relationship healthy. It keeps people from making the proper adjustments needed to keep love and connection alive.
Example: a husband is constantly receiving phone call from work during family or couple time, working long hours or tuned out when at home - if the wife is a protective liar - she would not say anything even though this behavior is slowly deteriorating the marriage or she would say something but when told this was necessary to keep the business going she would just agree and let it go. The end result can be a very loveless and unhealthy marriage or relationship. A healthy solution would be to discuss how this behavior is affecting the relationship and coming up with a plan that would work for both parties.
Of course this can go the other way also where the wife has a pattern of unhealthy neglecting behavior toward her husband but justifies it in some way that the husband just keeps his frustration inside - this will have the same result -
This concept also happens in friendships and other relationships. When a relationship is suffering because of someones behavior it is important to be honest about your feelings and how it is affecting you and the relationship.
Next post we will look at "Trying to Look Good Liars."